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Here Suck On This For a While

I’m not sure who’s more full of shit – the sales traders who always have 101 reasons why clients should be paying them more or the buy side traders who keep coming up with reasons no to.  Here’s a few lines I’ve heard too many times to count.

We are doing some work on this one so keep us up.… Yeah OK.  So  all of a sudden there’s a place in your model in between EBITDA and P/E ratio to plug in how much I’ve traded and how much more stock I have to buy.  The only work you’re presently doing is buying the stock away from me with your d-bag buddy at Jefferies and you want to now what my buyer is doing so you penny me all day.

I’m not doing anything, but I see you’ve been active in XYZ and my PM was asking me what I’m seeing … followed by, “If I get anything to do I’ll give you a call.”...  This is proof they think we’re retarded.

Your guy has been very helpful, we’ve just been very slow – Here suck on this for a while.

Supposedly Off Wall Street published a negative report on XYZ, can you try and get that for me…?   Scraping the bottom of your sales trading barrel are you?… I knew it couldn’t have been an order.

You’re doing a good job. Just remember the race is long. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. – Whatever guy. Read the rest of this entry »

Sh!t Sales Traders Say

All I Want To Do Is Retire

Werewolf in Kansas

Recently at a traders function in Kansas, I ran into an ex-coworker and friend of mine Jake.  I’ve mentioned him before.  He’s the tech trader who likes to tie one and then tell women how (his very much alive wife) recently passed way.   Honestly speaking, he is one of my dearest friends in the business and and one of the most dangerous drinkers on the street.  This guy has no middle ground. He self admits that for him there is no such thing as one or two drinks (or even 10)…  Either he goes straight home after the close or he is out hard – never anything in between.  When he goes home he is the perfect husband, father and just another de-clawed house cat.  But when he goes out – Don’t even think about getting in his way.

He makes Jeckle and Hyde look like amateurs and one the the funniest people you’ll ever come across.  He is a cartoon character.  Once he locks his sights onto something (or someone) he’s the poster child for drunken determination.  The more he drinks and the more difficult it becomes for him to form sentences (even words) – the harder he presses.  It’s amazing.  You really do need to see this guy in action.  He’s always entertaining and never gets violent (unless of course you’re trying to put him in a car to send him home). Read the rest of this entry »

Douche Booner

Allow me to introduce Douche Booner. Douche is a research salesman who was lucky enough to join the firm during its early stages and as a result, despite his lack of ability and minimal impact, covers half the country. Over the years the firm has grown circles around Douche, but still he refuses to give up even one of his 200 disadvantaged accounts.

As the firm grew, they would hire sales traders with relationships who had no choice but to split account economics with Douche. This zero has made a career of collecting without ever having to pass go. Times this scenario by 30 and Douche Booner has a pretty sweet deal going. Management see’s a guy with a steadily growing book of business and thinks he’s Salesman of the year. It’s a joke. The entire hard working, hustling, non-managerial, producing world at the firm knows this guy has never gotten a PM live on the phone in his life. The guy is overhead. And if management ever actually split his list up between 4 or 5 living salesmen and leveraged existing sales trading relationships with genuine research focus – the commissions on those accounts would probably go through the roof. Read the rest of this entry »

My Sales Trader BFF

Dear Dopey and readers,

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying because I am just as tired of all the downsizing and layoffs as the next guy.  But truth be told, there is still plenty of fat to trim. The reason I know we still need to have more layoffs is by the ongoing stream of incompetents who continue to “cover” me.

One of the problems with all the recent cuts is that we on the buy side are constantly getting pushed off to new sales traders when the last guy gets canned.  I can’t say any of them were rocket scientists but at least you learn how to deal with their inadequacies, understand their trading styles (or lack of) and just what to expect in general.

I have this guy from a big shop, who only started covering us recently – maybe 3 months ago, and I have only met him once for a quick drink after the close before catching my train.  I would say time spent together over that drink was 35 minutes max – and that’s probably stretching it. Read the rest of this entry »

Power Broker

Here’s an email accidentally forwarded to me by a client.  As usual I would like to highlight that, aside from the names, nothing has been changed.

Dear Team XYZ Asset,

As we were involved in project to clean our client database, I noticed that you were still active in our system to receive research. Unfortunately, since you haven’t traded since 2007 –you will be deactivated from our site. I would love to re-establish a business relationship with your firm.. Please let me know if you would like to discuss.

Best regards,

A. Toole, Clueless Securities

I like the fun use of the word “Team” XYZ – that’s cute, and so creative after five years of nothingness. You’re involved in a “project” to clean out your client data base?  Who the fuck are you -online technical support for J Crew’s catalog distribution list? Read the rest of this entry »

This Ain’t Easy

Here’s a tribute to the position traders we all rely on to keep things moving – especially during these trying times.

This Aint Easy – by dopeycowboy

Algo Connection

If you’re one of the many who can’t view YouTube at work then try the Vimeo version by clicking HERE.


Glossary of Trading Terms and Phrases

Better Lucky than Smart The only thing we have going for us.

Buyer OutsideSomething sales traders say to force your hand when they get tired of watching you play stock market.

Clean up If you believe that I have a bridge to show you.

CSA – Clusterfuckk Service Alternative:  When it’s easier for your client to just write a check rather than trade with your team of farm animals.

DFIU The latest IM catch phrase meaning “Don’t F**k It Up”.

Discount Bid – Chinese trading fire drill.  There’s a 1 in 10,000 chance you actually get a trade on at the price but it’s a good exercise for going through the motions and a great way to kill a few minutes and piss some people off. Read the rest of this entry »

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