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Douche Booner

Allow me to introduce Douche Booner. Douche is a research salesman who was lucky enough to join the firm during its early stages and as a result, despite his lack of ability and minimal impact, covers half the country. Over the years the firm has grown circles around Douche, but still he refuses to give up even one of his 200 disadvantaged accounts.

As the firm grew, they would hire sales traders with relationships who had no choice but to split account economics with Douche. This zero has made a career of collecting without ever having to pass go. Times this scenario by 30 and Douche Booner has a pretty sweet deal going. Management see’s a guy with a steadily growing book of business and thinks he’s Salesman of the year. It’s a joke. The entire hard working, hustling, non-managerial, producing world at the firm knows this guy has never gotten a PM live on the phone in his life. The guy is overhead. And if management ever actually split his list up between 4 or 5 living salesmen and leveraged existing sales trading relationships with genuine research focus – the commissions on those accounts would probably go through the roof.

Anyway, on with my story… After ten years at a well-established firm, I followed the bright lights to greener pastures and a new shop that was oozing with both momentum and potential. Needless to say, like every other chance I take – I bought in at the top.

After being there for three weeks and getting only five of the twenty accounts I was promised, I found myself paired up with Douche Booner on half my list.

This guy would send out a mass email to his client distribution list immediately followed by an autopilot blast voice message… for those of you who are keeping track… that’s one email and one phone call a day.  Honestly, at that point he  could probably pack it in and go home but since some of our analyst were pretty good he needed to stick around incase a client should call in needing to be patched through. The other reason he hung around the office is so that he could secrete his slug trail while he weaved about the trading room asking every sales trader he’s partnered with “what we were doing for him that day”.The guy is a joke and the entire firm knew it.  Clearly he has photographic proof of the boss fucking plucking chickens.

You could just tell Douche was the guy who got beat up a lot as a kid and not until he made a few bucks was he able to eventually find a wife. Nobody liked this guy and he knew it – so to him a new hire was a new chance to make a work friend… the only problem is that Douche lacks people skills. He would often try to make little jokes or take little shots but he wasn’t funny. If I laughed or smirked it was awkward and out of pity. He’s the guy that if you walk in five minutes later that usual in the morning, he’s first to say,“Good afternoon Dopey!” But only with him, even though he’s trying to have fun, he could never hide the insecurity behind his eyes. It’s like he makes a joke and take refuge behind a crooked smile while he checks around to see how it went over. I can only assume that’s because in grade school that’s probably when he would normally get his ass kicked.

For whatever reason, Douche felt comfortable with me, a little too comfortable. Either that or I was the only one he hadn’t pissed off yet. Every day like clockwork this dildo would come make his rounds and give us his personal best idea that he derived from the morning call and which of my accounts “should” care. Dude – you never get it right and clearly have no idea what OUR clients care about anyway so go back to your seat and count your free money you parasite.

One of the accounts we had in common was an account tin Chicago that I had covered for years and done business with in my prior shop. Douche Booner had also covered them for years but never once made it past the broker liaison. So two months into my 4-month stopover, the firm hired a new corporate access gal who on her second day was able to schedule a management 1×1 with the Chicago client. I happened to be at her desk when the meeting was set and saw that Douche had nothing to do with it. Later that afternoon Douche comes over to my desk, stands real tall, and says, “Guess what? I was able to get a meeting with ABC Funds”. I couldn’t allow him to steal any more credit. “Stop it. You did nothing.” I said. “You’ve been covering the account for three years now and can’t even get them to pick up the phone. Kelly’s been here two days and got them to take a meeting. Face it – you suck.” I wasn’t that loud about it either. Only the six or seven people in my immediate area heard. Douche tried to put on a smile but his face went twisted as he made his way back to his desk.

7:30 the following morning Douche Booner stopped by my desk, “Can you get off for a second?” Then he tapped Jerry, a guy who sat directly in front of me and asked him the same. The two of us got off the desk and followed Douche into the hallway of managerial offices. Since Douche is not a manager he led us into the first empty office he could find.

Douche took a sea behind the desk (somebody else’s desk) and asked me to close the door and for us to take a seat. He had a certain seriousness about him that I had never seen before but couldn’t imagine for the life of me what he wanted and why all the drama. Apparently, this dill weed was stewing all night long about me embarrassing him on the desk last night and was going to “set me straight.”

He opened with, “I don’t know if you realize this or not, but I’m a partner of this firm. And the reason I asked Jerry to join us is because he’s a partner too.” All I knew at this point was that Douche was not my boss, he had nothing to do with hiring me, I don’t report to him, everyone in production knows he’s a free rider and that he’s an even bigger dickhead than I realized. He then proceeded to lecture me on how I was one-way, didn’t know the product, don’t take my job seriously and how PEOPLE are noticing. I wanted to say a million things but if there was even a slight chance this d-bag was a partner I thought it best to bite my tongue. Jerry looked just as confused as I did. All this was coming from a guy disappears every day at 1 o’clock to to to the gym.

I walked out of there speechless.  Now I was pissed.  Jerry kept telling me to let it go and I did for about seven seconds before going to the President of the firm (who has since been removed by the way – but that’s another story) and asked if Douche was really a partner. The short answer is no… but like everyone else who worked for the firm at one point, he was given the opportunity to buy in – which he did. So in a sense he has ownership but no control of anything.  He was just a dick with stock.

Despite all that was going through my mind, I decided to handle things professionally so I simply walked over to his little free-ride station, walk up behind him, leaned in and said, “The next time you have a problem with me, you might want to talk to me alone first – like a man.”  I mean I had to say something – right??  He just kind of sat there with a blank look on face but by the time I got back to my seat, DOUCHE BOONER’s name was flashing in the corner of my Bloomberg. I opened the message and I can’t remember exactly what it said but it was along the lines of, “You’re right I probably should have handled things differently and I stepped on my own d$@k”… I wasn’t really sure what that meant so I didn’t reply.  30 seconds later the following message, “I’m not going to read about this am I?”

Guess what Douche? Word has it that you’ve got a new boss… somebody whom you don’t have incriminating photos of that might notice you brushing all your work off on your junior  and that you’re missing in action every day between one and three.  I figured even if there was even a 1% chance your new boss read this and made the connection then it’s worth it.

I know that wasn’t much of a story but I can’t tell you how much better I feel right now. Have great day everyone.


One Response

  1. Billy Ray Valentine Says:

    Is that really his name?

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