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Here’s an email accidentally forwarded to me by a client.  As usual I would like to highlight that, aside from the names, nothing has been changed.

Dear Team XYZ Asset,

As we were involved in project to clean our client database, I noticed that you were still active in our system to receive research. Unfortunately, since you haven’t traded since 2007 –you will be deactivated from our site. I would love to re-establish a business relationship with your firm.. Please let me know if you would like to discuss.

Best regards,

A. Toole, Clueless Securities

I like the fun use of the word “Team” XYZ – that’s cute, and so creative after five years of nothingness. You’re involved in a “project” to clean out your client data base?  Who the fuck are you -online technical support for J Crew’s catalog distribution list?

2007? Really guy? You’ve been giving your firm’s product away for five years now and just realizing the last time the client traded with you was in 2007?  I can’t figure out who you’re doing a worse job for – the client or your firm.

“If you are interested in re-establishing a relationship with with my firm then please let me know before I deactivate you from our data base” because I am a complete jerk off.

Dude – How about YOU try picking up the phone for once and introducing yourself you dill weed.  It’s the holiday season and most brokers on the street are going over their account lists making out Christmas cards and this dildo is combing through his data base purging clients. Nice touch.

Thanks for making the rest of us look better.

Dopey

2 Responses

  1. Al Veoli Says:

    I agree with Dopey.

    I don’t know about this dipstick, but our firm uses the Internet, where it does not cost that much to continue to send out our research reports. We think if we keep sending out our research to those on the mailing list, we can get more exposure and more sales down the line. There’s no way this jerk is going to get any sales that way, and only the broads can make sales by shoving their boobs in our faces!

    Some guys in the industry are just douches!

  2. Al Veoli Says:

    Here’s a new one the fellas told me on the desk:

    A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new ‘city’ outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, ‘Yes ma’am, ya see, I’m from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit.’
    Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, ‘Where he would like to start?’
    ‘Well ma’am, how about a suit?’
    ‘Yes sir, what size?’
    ‘Size 53 … tall, ma’am.’
    ‘Wow, that’s really big.’
    ‘Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.’
    ‘What’s next?’ she asked.
    He replied, ‘How about some shoes.’
    ‘What size?’
    ‘Size 15 … double D.’
    ‘Wow, that’s really big!’
    ‘Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.’
    ‘What’s next?’
    ‘Well, I reckon I’ll need a shirt.’
    ‘Yes sir, what size?’
    ‘Nineteen and a half … 38,’ he replied.
    ‘Wow, that’s really big!’
    ‘Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.’
    She virtually glowed as she asked, ‘Whew … is there anything else I can do for you?’
    ‘No ma’am , I reckon that will be all.’
    Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, ‘Sir could I ask you a question?’
    ‘Yes ma’am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches.’
    She is astonished and blurts out, ‘Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!’
    Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, ‘Across ma’am?’

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