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Something About Harry


Typically I’m not one to challenge science, but it looks like it may be time to rewrite the biology books.  Scientists have argued (actually, if you want to get technical they’ve proved it) that the single cell amoeba is the lowest living life form on the planet.  Now I’m sure these findings were accurate back in 1757 when famous entomologist  August Johann Rösel vonRosenhof discovered the amoeba, but here in 2011 – there’s an new low-life sheriff in town.  His name is Harry and he is the despicable scum sucking bottom feeder that sits one row over and two seats to my left.

As if sales traders don’t already have a bad enough rap… this talentless piece of soulless shit will stop at nothing to generate commissions and hold onto his seat.   We all exaggerate, tell harmless white lies and tweak the truth from time to time -but this guy is disturbing.  Certain untruths are acceptable…

“It should be an early night Honey”…  “My buyer is sniffing around again – you still have any interest?” “The deal is looking 4x book already, but if you want in I’ll see what I can do..”

Harry’s lies are different.  His frame of mind is that of a three year old, his character as firm as grape jelly and he has the conscience of a serial killer.  I’m sure all of you have seen Something About Mary… I mean who hasn’t?  (By the way – Something About Mary is thirteen years old already… How the fuck did that happen??)… Anyway, remember the “I work with retards” scene?  Of course you do, it was classic…. “Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I’ve got going”….. That’s Hollywood, and in movies it’s OK to cross lines in order to get your point across or make people laugh.  However, in the real world, it’s not OK to cross certain lines.

There are many ways in which the sell side adds value.  We build better algorithms, provide liquidity, provide quality research, bring new deals to market and some of us even tell jokes, pass around emails and write Wall Street blogs to help keep the industry from falling asleep during  these slow volume days.  You want to know what this piece of shit Harry does?  He plays a make believe sympathy card.  Harry is a pathological liar who leads clients to believe that he has a mentally challenged son.  He doesn’t have any retarded children.  Aside from having a soft-skulled douche bag for a dad, his two children seem perfectly healthy and mentally intact (which is more than I can say for him).  WTF!  Who does that?

It’s been rumored for about two years that he was using this bullshit tactic on clients but nobody wanted to believe it.  I mean let’s face it, that’s a pretty tough act to swallow.  But thanks to a buddy who backs up one of Harry’s accounts at a different firm, we now have confirmation.  Apparently, in order to give his pathetic story some merit, Harry goes as far as to raise money for the special olympics two times a year.  I just hope the money he collected actually found it’s way to organization and wasn’t used to help make payments on his 34′ Formula Cruiser he keeps docked down in Point Pleasant.

If you’re reading this and you’re a client who is covered by a sales trader who claims to have a mentally challenged son – start grilling your coverage.  Don’t get me wrong, obviously there’s a chance you may have the real deal on your hands and the last thing you want to do is make an already difficult situation worse – so proceed with caution.  But if you think you’ve identified our guy, then start grilling him.  Ask him to send you pictures, ask him what they eat… do they sleep tied down in beds or do they prefer hammocks?  I guarantee he won’t know any of the answers.  Ask him to bring his son to dinner.  Unless there’s a Rent-a-Retard Center located in midtown, he’s fucked.

I rarely feel like my writings are doing anything for greater good of mankind, but if this selfish inhuman gets dragged out behind the wood shed like I’m hoping he will, then I’ve accomplished something good today and made the world a better place.


3 Responses

  1. Al Veoli Says:

    I agree the guy is a real douche. In the spirit of the season, the fellas are telling this joke on the desk:

    Santa went down the Chimney and started putting presents under the tree. He went to leave and noticed the most beautiful red headed women laying there in her naughty nighties.

    She said: Santa, do you wanna stay and play?

    He said HO HO HO Gotta go Gotta Go gotta deliver presents to the kids Ho HO.

    So he went to leave again and She said once more,
    “Santa dont you want to stay and play?” as she took off her nighties and was layin there in a sexxy g-string…

    He said Ho Ho HO gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the kids dont you know Ho Ho Ho…

    So he went to leave one last time and the women said again, “Santa, stay and play!!” and when he turned around she was laying there completely naked, The most beautiful gal in the world spread eagle, and fresh, no less!

    Santa said: “Hey hey hey, gotta stay gotta stay, I cant go up the chimney with my pecker this way!”

    (I’ll let you fellas figure out what happened next)…

    Merry Christmas from Al and the fellas on the desk!

  2. Slacker Says:

    He is going straight to hell. Bad guy.

  3. whataguy Says:

    holy fuck you tell some bad jokes Al. Maybe try passing around something a little more current like:

    How many A.D.D Kids does it take to change a light-bulb ?


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