One of the reasons behind Tofu’s explosive popularity is its wildly touted health benefits. But it’s tofu’s versatility and chameleon-like ability to absorb flavors that keeps people coming back for more. It doesn’t matter if you mash, whip, ground, marinate, simmer, steam, bake, broil, sauté, barbecue or deep-fry it… since tofu has very little flavor of its own, you can do anything to it and it will assume the identity of whatever ingredients you cook with it.
Personally, I’m not a fan of tofu. If I want to eat something that tastes like steak – I’ll have a steak, if I want something that tastes like chili – I’d rather have chili… Tofu has become quiche of this decade and something real men just shouldn’t eat.
Anyway, back to your sales trading biology lesson… The typical non-sales trader human body is composed of roughly 65% water, 16% proteins, 16% fat and about 3% nitrogen. Sales traders have a slightly different genetic make up. They contain all the above named elements and depending on their character and how much of a spine they have, a sales trader can contain anywhere between 5-30% tofu.
Unless your a complete sales trading dildo, chances are if you’re dealing with a client who is calm, cool and a pleasure to deal with, you’re going to operate the same way. Professional clients have opinions, they have conviction, they communicate their thoughts and say things like “Just make sure I’m done today.”… ” Here’s my total number”… “I would be happy to own’em as long as the stock’s down more than 3%”.
And then… there are the other type of clients. These are the type of customers who only have to ring the phone one time to instill the same warm fuzzy feelings one gets after accidentally walking through a spider web. They are different clients for everyone, but ever sales trader has one… at least one.. Maybe you fucked something up long ago, perhaps it’s a large account that likes things handled a certain way or maybe the guy on the other end of the phone is just a fucking jerk off who likes to eat your soul every morning for breakfast. But whatever the reason… these guys fuck up sales traders regularly. Hedge funds are especially good at this.
Remember Doctor Bruce Banner? Remember how if anybody fucked with his emotional state, his eyes would turn green and then he involuntarily transformed into the raging, monstrous Hulk? That’s exactly what happens to sales traders when their problem account calls and places an order. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. No longer able to rely on practicality and common sense and with no prior exposure to Gamma radiation, the sales trader’s body releases tofu enzymes, like adrenaline, to help shield themselves from reality.
This is something clients are oblivious to and position traders can’t explain. Clients are have no idea of the shit they stir up or what takes place once they hang up the phone and the merry-go-round begins. Position traders just think most sales traders are bipolar assholes who forget who’s side they’re on.
Like tofu absorbs the taste of the food it’s cooked with, sales traders too many times become the asshole they’re dealing with. That light rings and and after only one minute on the phone, the sales trader’s identity is thrown out the window along with all practicality, trading experience and common sense. It’s a fucking joke. My customer is a fucking jerk who’s not making any sense, so I need to to be a fucking jerk too. And tofu law says if you’re going to blast a trader, it’s got to be loud. Preferably over the hoot. Any apologies or praise must be done quietly afterwards when nobody else is listening on the phone.
“What the fuck! You just moved this thing sixty cents and we were only 80% of the volume ? That sucks! I told you this guy likes to be the volume.”… “How long have you been doing this?”… “Are you too fucking busy over there to focus on my order or what!?”…”Oh fuck – he’s ringing.”
Like I said, we all have that one client who brings about our spaz reactions and releases our tofu enzymes. But some sales traders tend to react that way more than others and way too much. Meet George. George is a nervous wreck who is afraid of his own shadow. Every time one of his lights ring, he wets his pants and jumps under the desk. He’s a fucking nervous wreck. Nothing gets processed. Even if the client is piss wrong and makes no sense at all, George will scream it out word for word. “That execution blows!”… Why George?…. ” I don’t know – it just does- and look at the tape.” That’s george’s favorite fall back line. “Look at the tape”.… what’ s wrong George? “Look at the tape”….“My guy is pissed off and he should be – look at the tape!”…. What the fuck does that mean? Look at the tape? I’ve seen the tape George. It says you’re completely fucking useless.
It’s amazing. It’s as if his clients can somehow stick their hands through the phone, up George’s ass and move his lips like he’s some kind of a fucking muppet. Congratulations George – you’re a speaker phone. Idiot. At times I think he even tries to mimic the sound of his clients voice – like he’s possessed. It gets creepy. Where’s Father Damien Karras when you need him?
He’s always in full panic mode. The boss’s name is Alex – and he’s probably thinking of changing it. From the second he gets an order he starts shouting the boss’s name… “Alex! Alex! Alex!.”.. “I got Ulcer Capital in. I need you to keep an eye on this one – It’s Gary over there”… “Alex – you see what’s going on here?”…. “Alex! Alex!”… “I’m gonna have a problem!”. Dude. Stop being such a little bitch and chill the fuck out.
This loose canon is wrong more than he’s right and a menace to the trading room. If I were a market maker, he’d be dead already. Occasionally he’ll realize that he just crucified a position trader for no good reason, but since his client didn’t say “simon says”, he’ll never apologize. Try taking control of the situation and working with you clients instead of hiding from them and we’ll all be better off – you tool.
I hope your short week is going faster than mine,
Dopey
