This may come as a complete shock to some of you, but business was kind of slow last week. In order to help pass the time, I decided to bring lunch up to a client. I ordered some over-stuffed sandwiches from Stage Deli, handed my one order over to the d-bag next to me and moseyed on over to pick up the food. $230 for just 6 sandwiches and a knish. But what are you going to do? That’s what the customer wanted, so that’s what the customer got.
While the deli clerk finished packaging my order, I read over the billboard size sandwich menu posted on the wall behind the counter. The specialty sandwiches caught my eye because they were named after different celebrities. They offered things like the Tiger Woods Rueben, Marc Spitz Tuna Melt and the Pedro Martinez Pulled Pork Pita.I thought it might me interesting if we summarized the characteristics of our buyside friends and slapped them up on a sandwich board. We substituted words for cold cuts since they sometimes can be even more delectable.
Specialty Sandwiches
Mr. Rogers – boring as shit but but pays the bills.
Charles Manson – manipulative, sociopathic, thinks he is musically inclined , will rip your heart out and not think twice about it
Oprah – female, has orders, has opinions, has power and oh worse yet… has a menstrual cycle
Steve McNair – He’s the quintessential Monday morning quarter back and 12 seconds after you get the order you want someone to put 4 bullets in the back of your head.
Brian Bosworth – Keep him up for days, holds up 7 figure trades to buy 22,500 shares. Thinks he is a player, has zero game, his career will end before it begins and ultimately will just wind up embarrassing you.
Bo Jackson – Always blindsides you, has game and ammunition, doesn’t need you and if he does have the ball and you try and tackle the situation, you will get hit and run over.
Forest Gump – Proof that it’s all about being in the right place at the right time. Borderline retarded multi millionaire who has a net worth that makes you want to choke to death on a box of chocolates.
Taker– Anything that’s free. Tickets, dinners, pens with your logo on them. Always orders an extra filet mignon dinner for his wife that he eats with his hands on your company car ride home.
Cyclops– Tunnel vision. No peripheral vision what so ever. This guy doesn’t care or notice anything else except for the one stock he’s working on. He likes to call when the markets down 5% and ask why “his” stock is getting killed and why “I’m” being so heavy on it…”
Dick Butkus – Name says it all- He’s a dick who likes his ass kissed.
Albert Einstein – This guy is smarter than everybody else. Everyone else in the universe who revolves around him (especially you) is completely useless and is here to serve him. Albert likes to to talk real slow as to make sure you understand. Got that?
Rainman – Just mutters the same old shit over and over again like he’s reading off a cue card. “That’s my absolute limit…absolute limit – it doesn’t mean you have to take it there..you don’t have to take it there.”… Oh really? Dickhead.
Lindsey Lohan – Caught up in the scene… Charities, Late night hot spots, who’s been seen with who…get’s skull banged by sell side douchebags so often, he should have a condom dispenser surgically implanted on his forehead
Kim Jong-il – Paranoid, schitzo, delusional leader of his little wall street world who believes everyone is out to get him as he threatens to pull the light until you pacify him with some Springsteen tickets.
John Gotti – You and nobody you know has ever written a ticket with this guy. That’s because he likes to keep it in the family and only uses only people he’s known for 20 years (the only people who will still hand him envelopes under the table).
Jesse James – No respect or regard Reg NMS, compliance, archived IM’s or recorded lines. He asks you to print stock at prices so off base you need a flux capacitor, a bolt of lightening and a Delorian to do it compliantly. His catch phrases ….”Get it done”, “make it happen” or even worse “make it go away”….
Helen Keller – One of the last kids on the block that still has no electronic hook up. She has no idea what price the broker really paid for stock, what she’s really paying and has no clue as to what’s really going on.. She’s light years behind the technology curve but get two thumbs up from her friendly neighborhood broker dealers.
Barack Obama – Control freak. This is the guy who insists you don’t advertise, don’t super, don’t make any calls but complains how you can’t find the other side . Meanwhile while you’re busy working your ass off, he continues to favor the dark pools.
George W. Bush – Dumb as fuck, daddy got him his job, born on third base and thinks he hit a triple, oh yeah, and at least once a quarter he buys a stock he should have sold and gets someone else to fix the situation
David Blaine – This guy is a true illusionist. His seemingly real orders always seem to vanish into thin air the second you find the other side
Columbine – This guy is hanging on by a thread. Hates his wife. Hates his life. Hates his jerk off elitist Ivy League PM with a 151 IQ but can’t understand liquidity. This poor bastard is about to snap so do yourself a favor and just say yes and hang up. When this account blows up, it might do so literally.
The Wife – Guy is never wrong, never admits fault, constantly nags and calls out your shortcomings. The only difference between him and your actual wife is this guy will actually fuck you.
All sandwiches come with a side order of fries and if you’d like a pickle with that, I have one for you right here…
-Gambler
