BAD BAD BAD.
This shall serve as an open letter to George Lucas. George, if you could take all of your money and all of your special effects and build a time machine that will bring you back to 1990 I would be extremely thankful. Once you get there, please set yourself on fire and run into traffic. Once in traffic, Short Round will hit you with his cab and put you out of your fucking misery. Then, and only then, the Starwars prequels and your latest installation of Indiana Jones will have never existed and be faded from my memory like the McFly family picture at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. Only then will you be remembered as visionary, as opposed to a fucking clown.
Seriously, how do you fuck up an Indiana Jones movie? I mean you have Harrison Ford an endless amount of money and a million plot devices that could work. Instead, you make a movie about SPACEMEN. This in spite of the fact that you have already delivered three horrible movies IN A ROW about spacemen. The balls…The effrontery… The Hubris. To quote a character from a much better installation in the series, “You chose…poorly.”
Here is the thing about the latest Jones movie. I consider myself mildly intelligent, I can follow a script and, five minutes after walking out of the theater, I couldn’t tell you what the fuck happened. Here is my best recap. There is a crystal skull that was once in a cavern but now ends up in another cavern in Peru. The Russians want it because it could be a really powerful weapon. So, Indiana Jones needs to decipher a bunch of shit, find the skull, which is actually a fuckin Alien bobble head, and return it to the city of gold before the Russians get there hands on it. Along the way Indy meets Marion (Karen Allen from Raiders) who hasn’t aged nearly as well as Ford. He also meets Mutt, who is a cocky little rabble rouser who is actually…wait for it…his son. He gets involved in ridiculous chases BLA BLA BLA. And there is a flying saucer. Also, Kate Blanchett plays a naughty Russian minx who is mildly titillating (great word).
Ok, Ford is always entertaining as Indy. But the plot is sooooo ridiculous and so hard to follow that you end up not really caring what happens. The first three Indy flicks were so enjoyable because there was a mix of unrelenting action, interesting characters, and historic undertones that, while mainly preposterous, always kept your interest. They were true popcorn flicks that tricked the audience for a few hours into thinking that “hey, maybe this could happen?”, or, at least, delivered the unbelievable in a believable way.
That’s all gone. Swept into the night by 
Lucas and his unrelenting need to ruin his legacy. The chase scenes are like video games, the dialogue is forced and trite and all those other things we have come to expect in the post Jar Jar Binx world.
What happened to you George? I mean when has a talent gone so South? I guess producers and writers aren’t that different than rock stars. Exile on Main Street and Sticky Fingers has given way to I Max bullshit and corporate greed. George Lucas should be ashamed. The next movie’s working title should be, “Indiana Jones and the search for Lucas’s talent”. It is there, hidden beneath the rubble of a ton of special effects and Darth Mauls sack.
As far as Spielberg is concerned… He pretty much sucks too.
Finally, Pacino could have really spiced things up in this cast…Hoo ah Charlie…HOO AHH!!
DMC
