Superhero play is a form of creative or pretend play in which children imitate action heroes that they admire. Boys have always been enamored with superhero’s, cowboys and indians and interestingly enough – pirates. They fantasize about having superhuman strength, flying like a bird and fighting off evil villains… Unfortunately, and as many learn the hard way, childhood dreams of flying through the air quickly shatter (often with a bone or two) the first time they launch themselves out of a tree. And unless you grew up on a ranch, owned a horse or carried a six-shooter, visions of fighting off indians and hitting the dusty trail also subsided. However, after having eliminated superhero stardom and the cowboy way of life from your dream job list, we still leave piracy.
Everybody loves pirates. Not the modern day petty thief pirates or those half-breed maritime grenade-throwing terrorists (like the ones recently holding the Saudi supertanker for ransom). These low-life’s aren’t cool. They lack the creativity and flare that made the classic pirates like Captain Kid, Blackbeard and Calico Jack so popular.
Since society has not only outlawed, but deemed piracy an unfit lively-hood for the traditional American family man, those who still carry the true buccaneer spirit were forced to evolve. Countless scientific studies have shown direct links and proven Wall Street traders to be the closest living descendant to the classic pirate. Hundreds of years later, that same dominant swashbuckler gene that possessed the likes of the Great Pirate Roberts can be found embedded in the DNA of the current day financial trader.
Just like traders, the history of pirates was based on money, the potential wealth which could be made in a pirate’s life and of course – lifestyle. The Wall Street community was once an elite men’s club. Similarly, pirates belonged to a brotherhood, and as such, drafted articles of agreement or codes of conduct that would outline the division of plunder. Now-a-days and after frightening mass redemption’s, there isn’t much plunder to go around and the only agreements our trader brethren are bound to are increasingly differed compensation plans, insultingly detrimental CSA’s and explosively popular corporately layoffs.
The most distinct similarity between traders and pirates and the real reason why people loved them, is that they were the ultimate rebels, people always admire rebels. They flouted society’s laws and customs – wore what they wanted, talked how they wanted and took what they wanted. Our profession made so much money, we too did as we pleased. We weren’t restricted to how many nights a week went out, how much we spent for a bottle of wine and unless you were in the business, we didn’t give two shits about your opinion.
“What’s That?”… You don’t think my new Hummer is environmentally friendly – and you think it’s people like me that are driving gas prices higher”… “Fuck you! I could buy and sell you!”
Private jets… Armani suits… front row Knicks tickets – It didn’t matter, If we wanted it, we got it without reservation… And like pirates, we picked our own friends, chose our enemies and were loyal only to ourselves.
Make no mistake – as Wall Streeters, we owned the night. We may not have been welcome or frequent ports like Tortuga, Madagascar or Port Royal – but you could always bet your corporate card the owners and wait staff of Peter Lugers, Bobby Vans and the VIP Club to throw us a line and roll out the red carpet when our ships sailed in.
Pirates didn’t conform to any laws, they could do whatever they wanted. While searching for adventure and looking to accumulate wealth, they would often plunder towns and raid villages. The only raids to recently involve Wall Street were when the Feds came in to seize Bear Stearns’ records and the other unhappy ending occurred when the police arrested and held 3 traders over night after raiding that friendly little oriental massage parlor down on 21st Street. Why is it so hard to believe we were just getting massages?
Pirates were men who weren’t afraid to accessorize. Brokers couldn’t get away with wearing big gold earrings or flashy hats, but that standoutish pirate fashion sense is the only possible explanation for that ridiculous suspender fad that hit Wall Street back in the 80’s or those obnoxious bull & bear cuff-links which continues to be popular even today.
With over inflated paychecks came a false sense of entitlement, a disregard for the hard working man’s perspiration and discrimination against the average Joe. Regardless of what you told your spouse, therapist or even yourself, on some level – you thought you were above and maybe even better than the average schlep. Well – we sure stopped singing that fucking tune in a hurry didn’t we?!!
Unfortunately, sooner or later all good things come to an end. For pirates, denouement came in the late 1700’s. After increased military presence and international anti-piracy laws, most pirates were either “hanged till dead” or retired – putting an end to the Golden Age of Piracy. The bodies of the Pirates that were hung would often be left displayed hanging in the gallows to discourage other privateers from choosing a similar lifestyle. Since public hangings are now illegal, our society simply relies on an equally effective page 6 of the New York Post.
Who would have thought we’d be on the endangered species list just because of a couple bad apples, a few million bad mortgages, some obscene profits and and the federal government who chose to let the inmates to run the asylum.
They way I see it is if you’re one of the many out of work (or soon to be out of work) equity traders – you’ve got two options. First, sit down with a pen and paper and compose a list of all your valuable work experiences and job skills. After about 10 minutes of beating your head into the wall, you’ll quickly realize that what you’ve been calling a career holds no value in the real world and you have no transferable skills to sell to a prospective employer. What we had was unique. In the job market, your highly coveted Series 7 holds a comparable value to a half eaten box of animal crackers. And believe it or not (here comes the toughest part)… alcoholism, Attention Deficit Disorder and abusing corporate accounts are actually frowned upon once you step outside the financial industry.
Your second choice is just to say Fuck it, get back to your roots and lead a life of piracy. For those of you who aren’t up on your pirate history: William Kidd did it. William (Captain) Kidd was a family man with two daughters who lived right here on Wall Street in New York City until one day he decided he wanted more. He wanted a life free of 17th century strictures. He fortified his ship, Adventure, and with 34 big guns and over a hundred men went on to amass a fortune in gold, silk and jewels while becoming one of the most notorious pirates in history.
If Captain Kidd did it than so can you. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Life’s short. So get your ass down to Chelsea Piers before it’s too late, commandeer a ship and enjoy your new life the way it was originally intended. Raise the Jolly Roger, grab some of your high finance scallywag bilge rats buddies and raid, pillage and plunder to your hearts content before you end up in Davy Jones’ locker.
Give no quarter,
Dopey
Pirate Quotes:
- “Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”
- “Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates” – Mark Twain
- “The average man will bristle if you say his father was dishonest, but he will brag a little if he discovers that his great-grandfather was a pirate.” – Bern Williams
- “Even pirates, before they attack another ship, hoist a black flag.” – Bela Kiraly
