My day starts out no different than most men in Fairfield County. With the wife and kids still sleeping, the alarm clock goes off before dawn, I climb out of bed and step over the family dog (even the dog barely notices me anymore). I grab a stale bagel, coffee, the newspaper and I’m off to the train station. I used to go to work with dreams of becoming wealthy and retiring early… Isn’t that what anyone working on Wall Street wants to do..? We sure as hell aren’t doing it to save the world or become better people. I drive my ten year old piece of shit commuter car to the train station and say good morning to Dave, Bob and some other asshole who thinks I like him.
Dave tells that his house was just reassessed for a 40% tax increase, apparently his prima donna wife who would do anything to impress the neighbors, forced him into doing a major addition on his home last year … oh…. just about the exact top of the housing boom … and there it was …. our topic for today’s commute:
Fairfield County Wives …. What Recession?
I guess it could be worse for us guys… we could be married to one of those annoying, d-bag monsters from Real Housewives of NYC, Orange County or god forbid New Jersey ….. or have real problems like many in other parts of the country during this recession. But perception is our own reality … and the reality is these broads in the NYC metro area are pretty fucked up. I mean … private Pilates classes for $100 an hour? Bickram, budokon, private trainers at Equinox … what recession. Now, I guess I do benefit by enjoying the finished product .. if you know what I mean … but isn’t there a cheaper way to keep you forty year old ass in shape … I mean besides banging the Pilates instructor behind my back … while I fuckin pay for it !!
My favorite complaint is that they all say they feel like chauffeurs… driving kids from one event to another all day long. Yeah … that’s tough. Dads would hate to drive around town and hang with each other, checking out the MILFS and you got to love the occasional thong peak or trampstamp. We could discuss why the Yankees suck and that Mickelson’s still a choke artist. I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to actually see your kids during the week, and getting to see them grow up and learn new things … must be awful for these wives. Don’t even try to tell me that we dads couldn’t make the day a hell of a lot more efficient. I mean for fuck’s sake we’d get all the errands done, play nine holes, a bit of yard work, maybe even a quick stop at Ernie’s for a beer and still have dinner on the table when you came home.
I recently overheard this conversation at the local Stepford Starbucks…. some morally corrupt, Lilly Pulitzer wearing, Botox (and probably yeast) infested faux tits and tan, former Frat whore saying this…. “I’m so irritated with Todd, he didn’t get his usual bonus this year, so we have to rent out our summer house in Nantucket this year its soooo irritating… I’m going to have to spend the entire summer at the Club instead.” Are you fuckin shitting me? I wanted to slap this bitch myself and another gem from my friend Jason … his wife frequently calls him to complain about the traffic on her midweek drive to the Hamptons …. “It’s sooooo irritating when I’m stuck in traffic going to the beach”. STFU!!
Spa treatments, country club memberships, new car every three years, summer houses, nonstop shopping on Greenwich Avenue, nannies and au pairs, private schooling (because the public schools here must really suck), and daddy got you into a top university … anything I miss? And no I don’t think all Fairfield County wives are spoiled …especially not mine, they just sort of have lost their sense of reality. I know they appreciate there lifestyle … but haven’t they heard there is a Global Fuckin Depression out there. The irony is they all love these stupid housewife whore reality shows, love to make fun of the way these legal prostitutes act and the stupid things they do and say … funny thing is they area lot more similar to them than they realize.
My personal favorite is my wife’s nonstop vacation planning… I mean she does take care of the legwork for our family vacations, but it stresses her out to no end. My wife could qualify for the Elite Mileage Flyer Program and has three fuckin airlines on speed dial… I’m not kidding she’s on a plane 10 times a year and apparently I need to be involved in planning every fucking one of them while I’m at work. … Recently, she came home from a tough day of shopping, giggling like a schoolgirl that had just gotten laid after the prom. “You’ll be proud of me honey .. I saved us a lot of money today, there was this great sale” You guessed it… she bought twice as much, just because it was on sale. Three designer tank tops for $70 each(some fuckin bargain), a pair hideous designer jeans that make her ass look like my grandmothers and three $100 bras she just had to have …..fuckin brilliant babe!
So… later that day, around the time I was calculating that my firm has to be up another 97% to get over our high-water mark and my CFO informing me we that we just lost another account … my wife calls and asks if I could call the doctor and make an appointment for my kid …. I smiled … that’s a good one honey….. “I’m serious” she says … I have a very busy day ahead of me. Isn’t it ironic… don’t you think… that I’m actually at work trying to day trade my kids college fund to pay for her lifestyle but her day is too friggin busy to make a call on her new 3G 16GB fuckin iPhone. I guess it must be awful stressful driving the Range Rover to tennis lessons, play-dates, and lunch at the club. I shouldn’t pick on my wife though, I love her and she realizes how well she has it but every now and again they all need a little reminding, it’s some of the other Stepford Sluts around town that drive me crazy.
Sometimes we all need a beer after work, just to wind down after a hectic day … and we hear about it .. “Where were you”, “Who were you with?”, then is … “Can you watch the kids for a bit? Or we come home to this … “Sorry I’m a bit grumpy, I had a tough day too”. So …… ladies tonight we’re all going old school … you get the kids to bed, shake up a martini and go put on that slutty French maid outfit we bought for you ten years ago (assuming it still fits) and go all Sasha Grey on us…. and when we’re done, we’re DONE……skip the hugs and the chatter … We’re going downstairs to watch the game on our sixty inch plasma…. don’t bother us.
So keep your chin up all you working class stiffs, see you on the Metro North. But be prepared …. Your wife is going to land something on you soon… new car, backyard patio, weekend in France with her hedge fund wives… only she knows, but as sure as this economy is going to nosedive this summer .. Your wife has something in mind for your money. Don’t let The Man (or the woman) keep you down and if I missed anything that deserves mention, let us know. I want to hear from you guys out there … except you KD Seller … you’re still a little too angry from the Buyside Guy’s column.
-Outlaw
