Remember back in the day, waking up in your feety pajamas on Saturday mornings so excited just to flip on the tv, camp out on the floor and watch your favorite cartoons all day. Man I do, and there was nothing better. One of my favorite shows was the Justice League. The Justice League was made up of all the classic DC comics including superhero’s like Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash Gordon and my personal favorite, Aquaman. Aquaman was cool. Aquaman was friends with all sea creatures and had this ability to telepathically communicate with them. Sharks, dolphins, even electric eels would always answer his call for help and free Aquaman from his captures, apprehend the bad guys and save the day.
We recently hired a new sales trader at my firm who reminds me a lot of Aquaman, only this guy doesn’t wear gloves, an orange shirt or green fish scale tights. This guy is in his early thirties and showed up last week on his first day wearing these offensive bull and bear themed suspenders direct from 1982, but notthe kind of suspenders that the classier old timers used to wear back in the day. These suspenders didn’t fasten to buttons inside the pants of his suit. These suspenders were clamped onto the waste band of his pants by tacky little metal alligator clips, the kind you would find in JC Penney’s for $19.95, and this doofus thought he was the shit. He caught so much abuse, I can pretty much guarantee we won’t be seeing those ever again.
Aquaman is the poster child for Wall Street Nepotism. If it weren’t for his old man, this douche would be shoveling shit on some pig farm in Missouri. He’s one of those guys (you know the type) who talks too loud, too much and can’t get enough of himself. Daddy never let him pay for a thing, he never learned to fight for himself and now he’s been thrown into the workforce with no social skills.
Why do I refer to him Aquaman?
One of the things I find entertaining about this drain clog is that when it comes down to it, despite his efforts to project a Gordon Gekko image, he has the lowest self-esteem in New York and is the most insecure person alive. When I get slow, I like to take advantage of these weaknesses and torture this asshole. I would share some of my tactics with you and it’s easier than you would think, but since he’ll probably be reading this later, I don’t want to blow the whistle on any of my favorite pastime torture techniques.
According to this piece of work, if he wasn’t just out with them last week, he was either in the wedding of, went to school with or is best friends with every single buyside trader alive. It’s amazing. What’s even more amazing, is that I have yet to find any customers who even knows who he is, let alone share any history. No wonder he’s so protective about his clients. He’s an asshole. Who wouldn’t want coverage change when you’re forced to speak with some tool that has the attention span of a flea and couldn’t sales trade himself out of a paper bag.
Since this isn’t Saturday morning and he’s not safe home with Daddy, I say we grab Aquaman by his suspenders, drag him down to Chelsea Pier’s, wrap him in fifty pounds of chain and throw him off the dock and see just how well those telepathic skills of his really work.
Welcome to the neighborhood,
Dopey
