Typically I’m not one to challenge science, but it looks like it may be time to rewrite the biology books. Scientists have argued (actually, if you want to get technical they’ve proved it) that the single cell amoeba is the lowest living life form on the planet. Now I’m sure these findings were accurate back in 1757 when famous entomologist August Johann Rösel von Rosenhof discovered the amoeba, but here in 2009 – there’s an new low-life sheriff in town. His name is Harry and he is the despicable scum sucking bottom feeder that sits one row over and two seats to my left.
As if sales traders don’t already have a bad enough rap… this talentless piece of soulless shit will stop at nothing to generate commissions and hold onto his seat. We all exaggerate, tell harmless white lies and tweak the truth from time to time -but this guy is disturbing. Certain untruths are acceptable…
“It should be an early night Honey”… “My buyer is sniffing around again – you still have any interest?” … “The deal is looking 4x book already, but if you want in I’ll see what I can do..”
Harry’s lies are different. His frame of mind is that of a three year old, his character as firm as grape jelly and he has the conscience of a serial killer. I’m sure all of you have seen Something About Mary… I mean who hasn’t? It’s basically the Gone with the Wind of our generation. (By the way – Something About Mary is eleven years old already… How the fuck did that happen??)… Anyway, remember the “I work with retards” scene? Of course you do, it was classic…. “Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I’ve got going”….. That’s Hollywood, and in movies it’s OK to cross lines in order to get your point across or make people laugh. However, in the real world, it’s not OK to cross certain lines.
There are many ways in which the sell side adds value. We build better algorithms, provide liquidity, provide quality research, bring new deals to market and some of us even tell jokes, pass around emails and write Wall Street blogs to help keep the industry from falling asleep during these slow August days. You want to know what this piece of shit Harry does? He plays a make believe sympathy card. Harry is a pathological liar who leads clients to believe that he has a mentally challenged son. He doesn’t have any retarded children. Aside from having a soft-skulled douche bag for a dad, his two children seem perfectly healthy and mentally intact (which is more than I can say for him). WTF! Who does that?
It’s been rumored for about two years that he was using this bullshit tactic on clients but nobody wanted to believe it. I mean let’s face it, that’s a pretty tough act to swallow. But thanks to a buddy who backs up one of Harry’s accounts at a different firm, we now have confirmation. Apparently, in order to give his pathetic story some merit, Harry goes as far as to raise money for the special olympics two times a year. I don’t know shit about the Special Olympics except that twice a year sure sounds like a lot for those little “goofy bastards” to be jumping around. I just hope the money he collected actually found it’s way to organization and wasn’t used to help make payments on his 34′ Formula Cruiser he keeps docked down in Point Pleasant.
If you’re reading this and you’re a client who is covered by a sales trader who claims to have a mentally challenged son – start grilling your coverage. Don’t get me wrong, obviously there’s a chance you may have the real deal on your hands and the last thing you want to do is make an already difficult situation worse – so proceed with caution. But if you think you’ve identified our guy, then start grilling him. Ask him to send you pictures, ask him what they eat… do they sleep tied down in beds or do they prefer hammocks? I guarantee he won’t know any of the answers. Ask him to bring his son to dinner. Unless there’s a Rent-a-Retard Center located in midtown, he’s fucked.
I rarely feel like my writings are doing anything for greater good of mankind, but if this selfish inhuman gets dragged out behind the wood shed like I’m hoping he will, then I’ve accomplished something good today and made the world a better place.
Dopey
