I have two choices in the morning. Either I drive my car into Jersey City and take the P.A.T.H or I can bus into Manhattan. Since the bus is always jam-packed, and everyday the same sheep ride this bus and everyday all seats are taken, you would think that by now these stupor commuters would realize that everyone (including themselves) will be sitting next to someone else… Wrong. There are at least 3 assholes every morning who block an open widow seat by taking an aisle seat. They then proceed to either (a) pretend they are sleeping or (b) dump their coat, gym bag, lunch box, penis enlargement pump and any other god damn thing they can find on the seat next to them.
Do these people deserve an entire row to themselves? Why should their pile of shit provide them with a more spacious bus ride. Plopping down your gay JanSport knapsack is not a first class upgrade. So everyday we all watch… and everyday, eventually this regal figure is asked to remove his shit so the bus can fill up and we can continue on to our mundane jobs. Why does this d-bag look surprised? How could he have the nerve to come across annoyed… or insulted? Fuck off not really-sleeping beauty. After 40 seconds of huffing and puffing and at a paraplegic’s pace, these royal highnesses slowly begin peeling their crap off the seat. This shit makes me insane. Now it’s to the point where I search out these assholes (even on empty buses) and have them to move just to irritate them and snuggle in. It gives me pleasure to think that he’s going home and complaining about me to his fat wife and ugly kids.
Driving my car must be the better way to go. Well it is better than the bus… but gas costs about $60 a week, Bloomberg and Corzine zap you for another $80 in tolls and the parking pirates get you for $22 bucks a day. But at least I get to jam a TOOL cd in or pretend to listen to Bloomberg Radio. It doesn’t last for long, but somehow driving my own car and listening to my own tunes allows me to feel more human when I first enter my office. Sitting on that crowded bus makes me want to go off like Phil Spector after a few Johnny Walker blacks.
Unfortunately no matter how I slice it, whether I take the bus or drive, I still have to walk six or seven blocks to the office. Now seven blocks is no big deal, but when it’s raining out it’s a whole ‘nother ball game. What’s going on in Manhattan? Just when I thought the annoying part of my commute was behind me… Can you get road rage walking on a sidewalk? What the fuck is up with these giant umbrellas?.
It’s not just the giant umbrellas, it’s the dopey bastards that use them. Apparently, it’s no longer ok for the special people of Manhattan to allow a drop of water touch them. Fat Al Gore must be right, acid is falling from sky and the people of New York City know it. Every commuting jackass now has a space station satellite sized umbrella to keep them dry. I’m not talking about the five dollar “uhm-bray-yas” the Mexicans sell outside the Port Authority… I’m talking about massive monster umbrellas. Not only do they stand an obnoxious 5 ft tall when unopened, but when fully unleashed they make it impossible for anyone to stand within a 4 ft radius.
This may not seem like a big deal to you folks in Bumblefuck Iowa, so let me explain. Here in NYC… there isn’t a whole lot of empty space. When you have two-thousand people walking through a corridor built for five-hundred, throw in Mary Fuckin’ Poppins, the Penguin and ten of their gigantic umbrella carrying friends… we have a problem. I’m 5’10, so basically what that means for me is that when it rains, I have to wear 1980’s James Worthy goggles in order to make it to work without losing an eye and showing up like Sports Center’s Stuart Scott. I’m just sick of it, you people are not Phil on the 18th hole at Royal St Andrews standing over a put in the rain trying to win the British Open. You’re normal trash like everyone else walking to work. Don’t worry the rain wont hurt your scarf or your fancy hair you metro sexual bastards.
I took the bus this morning. Some nap faking douche had his fat ass planted in an aisle seat and was using his giant umbrella like a railroad crossing gate to block the last empty seat on the bus. Does anyone know a good attorney?
-Six Gun
