As a result of ongoing head count reductions, I recently assumed coverage of Barrington Management, an account I previously had no exposure to. They’re located just outside the Bible Belt and seem like good, honest hard working people… well… all except for one. It’s only been a week, but this doofus has gotten under my skin in big way.
I was given the account on a Thursday morning so I took a couple days to do some reconnaissance. Everyone familiar with the account had nothing but good things to say. “You’ll do fine”… “Piece of cake account”…”very low maintenance”… Wow. Sounds like I finally have an easy one. Later on that day, a buddy I checked earlier called to give me a heads up, “Bro- I just heard Barrington hired this guy Todd. Watch out for that guy… He’s a bad bad dude.” No big deal. What’s one more d-bag on my list?
I waited till lunchtime on Monday to call an introduce myself. I couldn’t get over how nice these people were. Peaches and cream. They took turns passing the phone around talking to me like family does when they call grandma to wish her happy birthday. You forget how pleasant people can be once you get outside New York. It’s refreshing. Everybody was so nice. Well… almost everyone.
Only one prick person was too busy to get on the phone that afternoon. My buddy was right, but only about one thing. Todd was indeed hired to trade for Barrington, but to call Todd a “bad bad guy” would be the understatement of a lifetime. Todd is a complete dick. Like all of us have, I’ve come across some real doozies in this business, but Todd takes the cake.
Barrington’s trading desk isn’t sectorized, instead the traders trade for designated portfolio managers. And wouldn’t you know it… the only PM my halfass salesman penetrated is Todd’s. This guy is the bane of my existence. He is both evil and stupid. Todd is a mix between Dr. Evil and Forest Gump. Todd won’t settle for a Bloomberg or a bullet point morning note summary… Todd want’s a call (maybe he can’t read). Now I don’t mind making the call… Hell that’s my job, but try starting your day… everyday… trying to give research to an idiot savant with the attention span of a Tic Tac. He tortures me on the phone for at least ten minutes each morning… ten minutes × 260 work days a year ….. that’s 2,600 minutes and approximately forty-four hours of my life every year that I’ll never get back.
Todd loves to argue. He’ll argue about why we lowered estimates in Microsoft, why we upgraded Piggly Wiggley and why I wasn’t one-hundred and ten percent of the volume. I’m starting to think he likes to raise his voice just so that the other traders on his desk think he’s cool in a feeble attempt to gain acceptance. He’s so fucking aggravating. It’s like talking to wall or arguing with a wicker basket.
Todd typically screams shit like this into the phone… “It’s traded 234k shares since I gave you my order at 10:27! Why have I only bought 12k?” (he loves using exact shares and minutes)… and then that sort of thing is usually followed by me putting on my kindergarten voice and explaining, “That’s because you’re not a buyer Todd… you’re a seller Todd…. and you’re limited away Todd… and we’ve already talked about this… remember, when I told you it was getting away from us and you snapped at me how you see where it’s trading because you have your own Bloomberg”… Jerk-off.
As stupid as he is, he’s a master of the IM Stall. All clients use it, but this guy’s ridiculous . It’s such bullshit. He may like the phone calls in the morning, but when it comes to trading, Todd is big IM guy. You could have three different clients involved, you offer Todd stock and he’s going to take advantage of the next 30 to 60 seconds (sometimes longer), watch were the stock trades and then respond accordingly. Stock went lower, “I think I’ll pass”….. Stock popped and we’ve got a third buyer checking – “I’m gonna need half that print.” It must be nice. My position trader’s screaming at me “I need to know!”, the stocks whipping around and Todd’s busy scraping the filling out of an Oreo with his teeth.
Only in this business can customers get away with making past decisions based on current conditions. Imagine sitting down in Campagnola, having the waiter bring you the Lobster Fra Diavlo, sample it and then simply say “Pass! Now bring the Alla Griglia Veal Chop instead”. An better comparison would be marriage. After having a sneak peek into a future with 15 extra pounds in all the wrong places and , “let’s talk” and “I invited my parents to go on vacation with us again” how many of us would have actually have said the words”I do”?
Do you take this woman to be your wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?…. “Uhh… I’m good for now, but if I change my mind you’ll be my first call.”
Anyway… Back to Todd. Todd if you’re reading this (and I’ll make sure somebody forwards you this link today) you know exactly who you are. Stop being such a dick. Life’s too short, you’re not that bright and start responding to IM’s when you’re supposed to.
-Dopey
