We recently switched a few seats around, backups got realigned and now I’m backing up accounts I never spoke to before. My new neighbor to the right takes a day off – probably to meet with a new marriage counselor (cause the old one clearly hasn’t been able to show him the light). Anyway – so he leaves me a note written on a coffee stained Dunkin Donuts napkin that says “I’m out today please back up XYZ account. Show them everything we do in healthcare – thanks bro”. Great. Don’t worry about giving me the guy’s name -I’ll figure it out.
Ten minutes after the open two orders come in electronically and the direct wire starts ringing – I pick up . “Hey, Mike’s out today – I have your orders – can I help?” You know what the first thing to come out of his repugnant mouth was? I’ll give you a hint – It was one word. Digging deep down into his quick-witted and polished vocabulary, this neanderthal artlessly barks out “Fuck!”…. Excuse me? Fuck? Fuck!? By the way I’m still on the phone you insensitive prick. Where’d you get your manners from a fucking Cracker Jack box? And it’s not like he was messing with me. This was a genuine I just missed the early train type of “fuck”. Good morning to you too Douche bag.
Trust me dude, if you’re OK with your regular coverage (who still has trouble tying his shoes) working your orders, then you’re going to be just fine.
Enough about that tool and onto covering hedge funds in general…
Now unless your last job was a punching bag (and you liked it), you do not want to be the sales trader who only covers hedge funds. In the perfect coverage world there is certain natural order of good and evil and for sanity’s sake there needs to be a similar balance between vanilla money managers and hedge funds.
Apparently in the hedge fund community there is no such thing as Human Resources or Compliance. These guys think nothing of dropping f-bombs all over my monitored IM and emailing me crazy videos, like the one some doofus emailed me last week of a camel getting blown by a midget… Bro – it’s funny and all but you’re going get me fired. I’m sure you have portfolio managers blowing camels in every corner of your office – but over here, that shit doesn’t fly. And these guys don’t give a frog’s fat ass, cause no matter how many times you ask them not to send that stuff or stop calling you a “P***y” over IM – they just keep doing it.
And when it comes to trading – these guys are fucking animals [an-knee-muhls]. They cop attitudes before you even get a chance do anything. It’s unbelievable. [RING] – “You called me (three weeks ago) as a seller of ABC. I want to buy 50k right in here. Right Here!!! AND KEEP IT TIGHT!!!!” Bro – Calm the fuck down. Can you give me a second to hit the damn symbol up so I can see where it’s trading before you start shitting on me? They’re just angry people. God forbid you do make a mistake (like allowing the stock market to move higher or not knowing Cisco was going to close down on the day) – cause if you do then get ready for your trash can lid Sonny Corleone beat down.
Lose the tude,
Dopey
