For those of you who know me well, you’re already aware of my mountain lion situation. Here’s the deal… I have a place up in the mountains (just two and a half hours outside NYC). It’s a log cabin buried deep in the middle of fifty mountainous acres. Up until 5 years ago when I built the house there was nothing but wilderness… and now… the wilderness is back.
I have a friend (a trader) who I let hunt deer on the land every opening season weekend. He must me the worst hunter alive because he spends eighteen bitter cold hours at a clip in the woods and never sees anything. Meanwhile, every morning that I’ve ever been there, I see at least two or three deer right out the kitchen window while making my coffee.
Anyway, last time he was up he made mention of some very large cat prints just outside the cabin door. I figured no big deal, they probably were made by bobcats (which are indigenous to the area) and forgot all about his observation until later in the season when I had my kids up there. No matter what time of year, part of owning a log cabin in the woods is sitting around a campfire every night – it’s just what you do. And when you’ve got little kids it’s required that you add marshmallows into the mix. About 10p.m. we spread out the last few pieces of smoldering wood and went in for the night. Bright and early the next morning, when I let Tank (the ugliest bulldog on the planet) out for his morning dump, I too saw the tracks in the snow.
Holy Shit! These track were huge. Way bigger than my hand and between 4 and 5 feet apart. Whatever made these tracks had size and speed. After doing some research and talking to the locals… It seems what we have here is a mountain lion. It’s a strange find in that if you talk to the DEC, they claim that mountain lions are endangered and not found in this particular region. Further digging with some locals, a gun shop owner and and off duty DEC officer exposed something different. It seems that the DEC simply won’t acknowledge the presence of these creatures because once they do – they have have to come up with some type of program to handle the situation and since there is no natural predator of the mountain lion – there’s not much they can do. Another local redneck who knows somebody who’s uncle knew the friend of another DEC agent said that back in the 70’s the DEC themselves actually released a bunch of mountain lions up there to help manage the deer population… Anyway, regardless of how it got there – it’s there. And judging by the prints and according to people much more knowledgeable then me on the subject, we estimate the beast to weight approximately 180 pounds (the high end of the range). So what does this mean for me? It means I have this great little cabin in the middle of a mountain on 50 acres of land that no one including my kids (who could end up as food) will go to.
[The mountain lion is also known as the cougar, puma, panther, and catamount, and is the largest wild cat in North America. Its fur is beige in color and it has a white belly. Young mountain lions have spots, but adults do not. Mountain lions have powerful limbs and can leap as high as 15 feet and as far as 40 feet.]
I have never owned a gun but over the past couple months I have amassed a collection of weapons and trapping devices that I hope will fix my problem including: a 45 caliber handgun (HK 45), 357 Smith & Wesson, 12 guage shot gun, 3 rifles (.22, 30/30 and a 30/35 with a scope), two bear traps, a cage trap the size of a refrigerator, a little electronic jack-in-the-box gizmo that waves a fake rabbit around in the air, one bottle of bobcat anal gland juice (don’t ask), a CD that plays tortured rabbit sounds, lots of rope, chains and three pounds of cat nip.
Since I’ve never fired a gun and the closest thing I ever did that came close to hunting was fry a few ants under a magnifying glass on the playground – I need some help. Seriously. Since my non-industry friends are too smart, I am looking to recruit any Wall Streeters (you must be vouched for) in the tri-state area with experience hunting, trapping or with firearms and put together a team to help rid me of this problem. No this is not a joke. I was hoping one long guys weekend will do the trick. If you’re interested or know somebody (please no lunatics) then contact me at dopey@dopeycowboy.com before I get my foot stuck in a bear trap and eaten alive. Before you commit or contact me I suggest watching the video below because these things are no joke and not to be taken lightly.
Who’s with me?
-Dopey
