I wrote the following post about an undesirable ex-client, Peter, who made the shift from buy to sell-side in hopes of making it big. I have re-posted the story in loving memory after one his most recent coworkers sent an anonymous tip to my anonymous email (dopey@dopeycowboy.com) and informed me that Peter resigned last week. He told everyone in his office he was going to open up a deli “like he always wanted to.” A Deli? Good luck with that. My guess is that he’s swinging a hammer somewhere on Staten Island. For your enjoyment I have republished the story of Peter…
Peter was a real d-bag client who thought he was going to make the big bucks by jumping ship and landing himself a sales trader position at a third market firm. Incase you haven’t noticed, the industry is taking on a little water and this might not be the best time to punch a hole your life raft. Peter gets the I’m Fucking Stupid Award for 09. He traded on a small desk for an admired asset management firm where he made a very respectable living for over 15 years, waited for the financial storm of the century and then decided to try his hand at sales trading.
With times being this tough, it’s only natural to want people to succeed. However, there are exceptions. This asshole was one of them. If you covered this guy for more than five minutes, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Peter demanded the world and gave nothing in return. Everybody catered to this jerk simply because of where he worked and for the potential amount of business he could one day send your way if you managed to get on his good side. The problem with that theory was that he didn’t have a good side. He is bad bad person.
This was the kind of guy who wouldn’t write a single ticket but never turned down a dinner. Once a quarter we would sit down at Bobby Van’s Steakhouse where he would proceed to play the same clumsy broken record that he played for all of his brokers. It were as if he was reading off of cue cards. “Listen, if I see you involved in a name I care about – I’m going to call you. The problem is that I never see you.” … “Show me flow.”…”Is your research salesman talking to the right people? Not once has a PM ever walked over and told me to pay you guys.”… “We’ve been really slow. Our commissions are down like 30% this year.”
Stop insulting my intelligence you fat bastard, finish up your steak and creamed spinach so I can call the cars. Peter was not short on audacity and during the bull markets would routinely finagle a high-end bottle of wine along with an extra desert for the road. Peter loved his over priced doggy bags. I’ll never know for sure who he was bringing that snicker-doodle chocolate cake to, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t going home to his wife.
Nothing made sense. This was a decent size account who had some serious wood to chop, but nobody I knew did any business with this guy. Where was his business going? I’ll tell you where it was going… 80% of this guys flow was going to his asshole buddy Michael, who covered him at a third market firm. Apparently, these two were inseparable. They were out together three nights a week plus weekends. If you randomly ran into Peter, Michael was right there with his feet sticking out of his Pete’s ass. Friendless or Shameless? I don’t know who’s more pathetic. It scares me to think what Michael was actually doing for this guy in order get his hands around so much of his business. Was he paying his mortgage? Buying him new cars? Did he put on high heels, fishnet stockings and crawl around on all fours while they feasted on chocolate snicker-doodle cake?
Anyway, like many people have, Michael recently got laid off. It wasn’t part of a larger downsize, but nobody is willing to discuss any details. Naturally the head of the desk called Peter immediately to break the news and discuss coverage going forward. That phone call turned out to be the beginning of negotiations that would last several days. Peter had always dreamed of going to the grass must be greener sell-side and to him this was the perfect opportunity. Peter then had an off the record conversation with Billy, his assistant (and natural heir to his thrown). Everyone agreed that the move made perfect sense.
The sell side shop would once again have an open spigot to the account, Billy would then become head trader and as for Peter… his day had finally come. It was time to make the doughnuts. Rumor has it Peter signed on for a juicy 40% pay out.
Fast forward two months… The sell side shop got Peter, Billy got the promotion and now runs his trading desk and Peter got his dream job on the sell side where he sits right now raking in 40% of nothing. That’s right – NOTHING. Apparently, Brokers weren’t the only people who thought Peter was a complete douche. Not only was Peter a prick customer, he was also a prick boss. Billy couldn’t stand this guy. How often do you get the chance to jettison your jerk off boss and take his job just by making a few empty promises to bad man who forged a life out of doing the same. Billy saw the brass ring and grabbed on with two hands helping to facilitate the best trade of his life and one of the greatest trades in Wall Street history. “Yes Peter, Go…. go make lots of money. I’ll light you up like a Christmas tree. That’s a great idea.”
Billy turned out to be a solid guy and a regular client. Most of our conversations start with me asking if he’s spoken to D-bag lately. I think Billy gets just as much pleasure out of giving me updates on Pete’s shit show career as I do hearing them.
It sounds like justice has been served and Wall Street is eating this guy alive. That’s what happens when you spend 15 years poking sticks through the bars before deciding to jump into the lion cage. He’s a pedophile cop in prison. Apparently his coworkers nicknamed him “Big Time” and he absolutely hates it.
After two months of doing no business, making excuses to his new boss and relentless whining, Big Time finally got Billy to agree to have dinner. “I understand how things used to work, but things have changed and you really need to start showing me more flow and make sure your salesman is talking to the right people on my end.”… I tried to get Billy to order a desert to go but he wouldn’t do it.
It’s nice to know that even during these times of uncertainty, happy endings still exist,
Dopey
