Sorry to stray from the normal Dopey Cowboy antics but I have a problem that needs solving. Meet Tank my English Bulldog. I brought Tank in to my home three years ago when he was just an 8 week old pup. If you’re not familiar with these animals then you’re probably thinking he’s got a face that could put the Boogie Man out of business… However, if you know anything about Bulldogs then you know he’s actually very handsome for an his breed.
I am sad to say that I am looking for a new home for Tank. He’s a $4000 pure breed, perfectly healthy, up to date on all his shots… but… he has one major flaw. He hates kids. He has never actually bitten a child but that’s only because he’s never had the opportunity. If he should ever cross paths with any child under three feet, he would eat it. Since he grew up with my kids, he is fine with them but when their friends come over he has to go in lock-down. He goes absolutely ballistic. Since he chews through baby gates like tissue paper we have learned to lock him in a steel crate with the closed door pushed against the wall.
What I am about to say next is going to sound ridiculous. Tank is a great dog. He’s well trained, his tail stub is constantly wagging, he loves to play ball, sleeps with his favorite warn-out stuffed kitten toy and always wants to be around people. But once a kid comes with three feet of this 65 pound bag of brut strength it’s as if a switch in his canine brain gets flipped and he goes psycho. You literally have to jump on top of him and drag him away.
We’ve had Tank for three years – the whole time hoping we could break him of his hatred for little people – but we can’t. We had a close call this past Halloween with a trick-or-treater. Unbeknownst to me, my son left the “Tank Gate” open in the kitchen allowing him free roam of the house and when I answered the door to give out candy, Tank popped out of nowhere to dish out something of his own. Thank god it was me and not one my kids who was there to grab him because another half inch and the little 4 year old girl in the bumble bee costume would be missing a face right now. That little girl will probably never trick or treat again.
Aside from the Halloween incident, my kids have reached the age where their friends are coming over more often. In my suburban kid filled world – Tank is a four legged time bomb waiting to go off.
I have made a decision that one way or another Tank will be out of my house by Friday Last week I sent a Tank email out to a couple friends asking them to forward it to anyone who may be interested. I got a few leads, a few people came to check him out but at the end of the day I still have Tank. One guy even brought his wife and his Shih Tzu (who shit on my floor by the way) over to my house just to see if everybody got along – which they did… but after sleeping on it, he decided Tank was too much dog.
And yes, I’ve tried all the shelters, dog rescues and bulldog rescues… nothing worked. The problem with the shelters is that if I do the right thing and explain about his kid anger issues then they will label him ‘aggressive’ and once they do that he’ll never get adopted and in all likelihood put down. At least that’s how the shelter explained it to me. The bulldog rescues either never return calls or are full of excuses… “Sorry we’re at capacity”, “Not at this time”… “Nowhere to go with him – sorry”… I was willing to get on a plane and take him to a rescue place in Chicago that I thought for sure would want him… but they too no interest. I am convinced these “Bulldog Rescues”, despite their friendly looking animal loving web sites, are just shell companies set up to launder money or something. If you don’t believe me – just try placing a dog with one of them.
I have one more lead who quite honestly makes me nervous. The email I sent out must have went viral because some really happy sounding guy out in Red Bank, NJ called me up and said, “I’ll take him!” without feeling the need to meet him or ask any additional questions. That was strange to me. I initially thought, “Unless you’re a chef at Ming Moon Gardens, why would you take an aggressive dog sight-unseen?” After another couple minutes on the phone I realized this guy was looking at Tank as a value play. He starting telling me about another bulldog he was able “steal” for just $700 because it only had one eye. Apparently it’s mother stepped on it’s head when it was a new born and the breeder could get full price. This guy was like, “I don’t care if only had one eye – I got it for $700 bucks!”…
To him Tank is a great acquisition just because he’s free. I’m picturing Christmas morning in this guy’s living room with Tank chained to the base of his Christmas tree… “Merry Christmas kids! Look what Daddy got you for FOR FREE! Billy it’s your turn to play Santa , now go see if you can find anything under the tree with your little sister’s name on it… Just be careful that dog doesn’t get hold of your jugular.”
On a serious note, if you live in the Long Island / NYC area and you’re willing to take on the beast then please contact me before I drive this poor dog to Ming Moon’s bargain basement out in Jersey. Even if he does get chained to the bottom of a Christmas tree it’s better then putting him down. You can reach me at dopey@dopeycowboy.com.
Happy Holidays,
Dopey
HAPPY ENDING ADDENDUM: Thanks to all you dog lovers out there who forwarded along my link and emails, Tank has been placed in a new home. A brokerage house compliance guy in NYC is taking him. Thanks again – Dopey.
