Say what you will about this industry, but one thing we don’t lack is character. Looney Tunes doesn’t hold a candle to us. In fact, you can bet your ass that if Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck sat around on Saturday mornings watching TV, our antics are the kind of shit they’d be watching.
I dedicate the following list of sales trader “types” to all the unfortunate clients who deal with us every day. I know what it’s like to sit amongst these animals here at the zoo but what I did was try to imagine how this army of misfits and delinquents must look to you.
Manischewitz – The really whiny Jew. I got no problem with these guys. In fact, the reality is since nobody else really knows how to deal with all the ear piercing whining, they usually cover their own kind. That’s not an insult or racial statement in any way (I even asked some of my Jewish friends). They’re just a close knit group that prefer to keep it that way.
Rock Star– This guy has never had a bad night (or even an average night) in his life. If you buy into this guy’s line of shit, every night out with him is a rock start night. This guy has a new story about the night before everyday… and every night was better than the last. We got a table… I got laid…. we were doing belly shots off Paris and Lindsey on the bar… Angelina and Brad Pitt were at the next table… blah, blah, blah. Models and Bottles baby.
Dinosaur – This guy who continues to dial for dollars still trades in 1/8’s and 1/4’s. If it wasn’t wasn’t for his father getting him his job 2000 years ago, he’s be telemarketing chimney sweeps or calling you during dinner to try and extend the warranty on your dishwasher.
Sleeper – Every time you call this zero it’s as if you just woke him up. He never has any idea if he’s involved in the name your calling on or what your name is… Don’t worry about it. Just go back to sleep.
Ashley Dupre – This young whore wants to make you her number nine. The problem with being covered this type of sales trader is that it doesn’t take long for people to start talking. “Gee… I wonder why he’s been doing so much business here lately? Especially on Fridays… Hmmmmm.” Ah fuck everybody else. They can’t prove anything.
Troller – “Hey just a heads up – My guy just had a very positive meeting with your analyst about going long XYZ and… I just so happen to have a seller on my desk right now. “
All Star – Whether it’s an ex baseball player or football player, every desk has at least one Jock. Customers usually light them up in exchange for a the captive ear while they ramble on about last night’s game. I’m not a big sports fan but I get the impression that talking sports to an ex pro verses a regular dude is like watching the game on a new 50 inch plasma instead of a 27 inch black and white. Guys just like it. Unfortunately, once you get off the topic of sports these guys are border-line retarded and have the personality of unsalted pretzels… but they usually have access to great season tickets.
The Hobo – This is the guy who managed to find his way onto Wall Street but can’t seem to balance his check book and is perpetually over-extended. He’s always broke, about to lose his house, owes $20K to some guy name Vinnie, about to lose his job because he can’t make his drawer and you have to hear about this every single day. He’s the waitress putting her way through night school with three sick kids and the bum at the top of the E-train steps holding the rusty tin can. Get a new line.
Paper Boy – Every time you turn around this guys knocking on your door trying to collect on a research chit or management meeting. “I understand my guy is in with your PM right now talking about his outlook on semi’s – that’s one my best guys” … How about letting your analyst leave the fucking building before looking to get paid on it? Let’s give it some time and see if your guy was even right. Does your waitress annoy you to pay the bill while your in the middle of dinner? Easy tiger.
Scrap Book– Mr. Family man feels it’s necessary keep you in the loop with his family picnics, kids birthdays and includes you on his Kodak Gallery distribution list along with his Aunt Sophia and gay brother Michael. “Look how big my kids are getting.”… Like you give a fuck.
Note Takers– These guys creep me out. I used to sit next to a guy like this – He would use push pins to tack up random facts and pieces of data that customers would leak out during casual conversation. Birthdays, anniversaries, weekend plans… he would write anything down that he could bring up later to give the impression he remembers and cares about you. His desk top looked like the police bulletin board down at central station where they try solve serial killings. Don’t say two words to this guy.
Chicken Little – The sky is always falling. You’re sorry you called this guy even before he picks up the phone. He’s always in a panic and calls you after every 1,000 shares trades to ask if “ you’re still OK selling them or if you want to work?” Bro – Handle it.
Double Agent – this guy’s a weasel, a carp , a bottom feeder who usually sits so high on the board of the clean-up committee that he’s lost sight of all business ethics. This guy’s bread and butter comes from highlighting sizable situations and market moving flow to more opportunistic clients. And if he’s providing your fat pampered buy-side ass with too much information, you can be sure as shit that your picture, name, address, social security number and shoe size are being shopped all over Wall Street too.
Trader’s Trader – This guy never misses a print, a news item, always has intellectual feel for the market and seems to almost always pull your average back to better than the VWAP. The only problem is that – away from yours truly, he doesn’t exist.
-Dopey
