I may be way off track, but it seems to me that the folks who thrive in this industry (and certainly the survivors of late) share many of the same tainted characteristics or key ingredients if you will. The people who last in this business are risk takers, contrarians, the like to push the envelope, very much at home in the grey area, extremely cynical, resourceful, witty, often deviants, super sharp (although many like to play dumb) and a handful of them happen to be good story tellers…
Don’t get me wrong – God knows we’re not saving any lives and when we’re lined up with teachers, fireman and soldiers outside the pearly gates, we won’t be receiving any preferential treatment (that is, if we get through the gates at all). But I will say this – “we’re pretty fucking smart” and brighter than most. In the world of trading, education means nothing. It’s about street smarts and wit.
It makes no difference whether you’re buy or sell side… the job is the same. We trade stocks and are paid on performance. We examine fundamental and technical mayhem to identify trading rhythms in markets where more often than not there is no rhyme or reason. The variables are constantly changing and if you can’t keep up with the moves – you’re dead. It’s a world where you need opinions but can’t get opinionated. Ironically the most stable variable we have to lean on is our relationships with each other. This is why trust is so important and the reason we dedicate so much time into getting to know your brokers, your clients and how your firms interact with one another.
Since Wall Street is one big leather couch, being a psychologist is definitely one of the things in your job description. Sales traders are forever stroking customer egos and finding ways to keep everybody happy while they try to build relationships… Buy-side traders struggle to appease their not so market savvy portfolio managers while they maintaining continuity with 50 different brokers and 50 very different personalities.
“Can I call this guy without him running ahead of me?”, “Who do I call – Who don’t I call?”, “Am I about to get run over?” These are questions we ask ourselves all day. We worry about the same things and all we want to do is look good at the end of the day.
I’m not saying everybody else is stupid, but the majority of the world certainly doesn’t think like we do. In our world there is no room for dumb mistakes and when they happen… we just ‘make them right’. Since we’re held to such high standards of performance we have no tolerance for the pimple-faced c-student who slaps mayo on the chicken sandwich you just asked to have without. Trading room life sharpens your senses, you see more, you hear more and you learn to read people better. You can process information faster than the average person because you are conditioned to do so. You can make split second decisions that your comfortable with. We don’t small talk – we get to the point… We don’t even waste time with “goodbye” when we hang up the phone.
The reality is, the longer you’re in this business the less tolerant you are of the daily bullshit. “Get to the fucking point”, “Make up your mind already” and no more Mister fucking nice guy. It just happens. The trading room is Miracle Grow for belligerence. Folks (including myself) like to make jokes about how all traders have ADD. We don’t have ADD we just choose to block out all the useless shit spewing from your mouth. Say something that matters, something that can make me money… I’ll show you who’s listening.
I was having dinner the other night with some friends I hadn’t seen in 2 years. Dinner was three long hours of useless small talk. This guy spent twenty minutes babbling on about how kids keep stealing his lawn ornaments and to make the experience even more painful his wife would put her hand on his and finish every other sentence for him. Fucking shoot me. I realized that night, that I have little interest in associating with nice people anymore. Nice, average, regular, boring… whatever you want to call them. “They’re getting so big”…“We should do this more often.”…”Did you see that game?” .. Just shut the fuck up and eat so we can get out of here. Honestly, I’d rather sit down with pirates, thieves and prostitutes. At least they’re interesting and bound to have some good stories. Nice people never say anything off color; they avoid confrontation and stay neutral. They are benign. We like a twist, a dark side, something to snicker at.
Why do I hate nice people?
- They’re always smiling
- The say good morning and comment on the weather.
- They don’t realize people take advantage of their nice-ness
- They say things like “everything happens for a reason” and “things will all work out in the end” at times when you really don’t want to hear it.
- They avoid conflict by taking an insult and turning it around into a compliment. Human beings love conflict, it’s natural to want to hit someone.
- It’s harder to stay mad at a nice person (and that’s more annoying because sometimes you just wanna be pissed off).
- Nice people say things like “Well if I could remember where I left it, then it wouldn’t be lost.” and then chuckle as opposed to “I just said I fucking lost it!”
- They’re so agreeable.
- They say “thank you” even when the service is bad.
- They don’t kick people when they’re down. Instead they say, “Oh leave him alone“… I mean seriously – Where’s the fun in that?
I understand that regular people outside of Wall Street wouldn’t be able to relate, but I know you guys do. Think about it… If some Richie Cunningham type was hired to work with you on your trading desk, it wouldn’t take more than 10 minutes before the rest of you started calling each other on the inside and walking all over him. They don’t last in this business. “Nice guys finish last” clearly never worked in this industry. Cause in this business, nice guys are dead meat, subject to ongoing ridicule and weak. Nice people on Wall Street are temporary. They don’t last, there’s no place for them here.
Since we are human and need to interact with the real world, we need to act nice from time to time but that’s OK. Just like when dogs sniff each other – smart people, sharp people can still recognize each other, they see the wolf behind the mask. Could you imagine working in a 5×5 cubicle somewhere talking to the drone next to you about what weed killers works best while you peel the plastic wrap off your left over turkey sandwich… Fuck that. Wicked wit, cynicism, eat what you kill, buying, selling and pushing the envelope… that’s where it’s at. This is home gentlemen.
I hate nice people, they annoy me. People who are too nice get no respect and people who get sensitive make me sick. When a guy gets emotional on me it makes my stomach turn. Has the nature of the business made us ill or are we stronger? I know my answer. I’ll take Jack the Ripper over Pope John Paul any day.
Bring on the demons,
-Dopey
