Over the years DopeyCowboy.com has a attracted a variety of readers. The majority continue to be industry professionals and curious onlookers. But there’s another group, a small handful of insecure people who religiously check the site every single morning – not because they enjoy the site or the content… these people read it just to make sure I’m not writing about them. Well guess what? Today somebody is going to be unpleasantly surprised. And I bet that somebody is Jack Dorkstein! This guy Jack wanted to be a manager so bad he would trade his own kids for even the chance. But fortunately for the rest of his desk, he’s just one of those guys who’s constantly getting in his own way and tripping over himself. You see, Jack is a dildo.
He’s the guy that always has at least two questions and one comment in every meeting. He love to hear himself talk. Honestly –it’s a joke and I don’t miss it at all. Instead of adding value, he usually just summarizes something the speaker just finished saying (that couldn’t have been any clearer to begin with).
But he his disciplined and always sticks to the same autistic format. It goes like this:
Jack’s Formula:
1. Impatient little boy gotta pee hand raise, followed by an annoyed , “Yes Jack?”
2. Intro (Always “So then…”)
3. Unnecessary regurgitation
4. His personal endorsement
5. Apology for interrupting (being sure to use the speakers name)
For example if the manager running the meeting said something as simple as, “Starting tomorrow the morning meeting is going to start at 7am sharp and I’d like to see everybody in the office by 6:30”…
Jack would sit straight up in his chair like someone just rammed a Red Bull up his ass and raise his hand like a second grader who’s been holding it in for 2 hours… “Yes Jack what is it?”…. And then Jack would begin, “So then,” what you’re saying is that we should be in by 6:30 from now on and the meeting will began at 7. That’s a great idea – Nothing wrong with a head start on the competition. Sorry Martin, please continue.” Bro – Are you kidding me? Shut the fuck up.
I think in his mind he’s management for a minute. Hey guys look at me! I’m talking to management… and THEY’RE TALKING BACK! And once the meetings was over and we returned to the trading desk, he would just sit there smirking, looking around like a bobble-head waiting for somebody to make eye contact with him so he continue discussing the meeting. What the fuck is wrong with people?
Another thing Dipshit likes to do is come up with third grade level projects to “help increase efficiency” and better the room. I sat next to the boss for a few years and you knew Jack had some new great stupid idea when you saw him turning the corner of the row with his little yellow folder calling out the bosses name, “Hey Martin! Martin! You have a second?” The boss would just roll his eyes, finish up whatever call he was on (usually talking his wife off a cliff) and listen to Jack’s next cure for cancer. Next to laying people off, dealing with these Johhny Wannabe’s must be the worst part of managing.
Usually Jack was working on some kind of priority call list or new improved back up system. It was always the same. The boss would give Jack a very sincere, “That’s a great Idea Jack. I think you should run with it.” (Run with it a great managerial escape word – It means I have nothing to do with your stupid project but if by some chance it works out then I can take credit) Unfortunately for Jack, whatever earth shattering idea he was working on always needed the support and cooperation of the trading desk. And Martin knew just as well as I did that since the entire desk thought Jack was a complete douche bag, nobody would give him the time of day, let alone agree to do anything that could possibly give him an ounce of satisfaction or accomplishment.
Pointless as these missions were, they were entertaining to watch. Predictable Jack always followed the same routine… He’d skip away from the boss with his new lollipop seal of approval and return to his desk where he quickly made up and printed out some dorky spreadsheet. Then… and to me, where things got amusing… was when he’d put his suit jacket on (to look important) and attempt to work the room one person at a time. And it didn’t matter who he approached first… we all did the same thing. When you saw this tool headed your way you picked up the phone and called somebody, even if it was the guy across from you, and look intense. Then when he was hovering over, you gave him that ‘it’s only going to be a minute’ signal with your index finger, stalled another five minutes (cause it’s fun to have him stand there like a complete doofus) and then placed your hand over the phone and whispered, “Sorry looks like I’m going to be a while”, dismiss him, and turn to your screens. In different variations, this avoidance tactic was replicated throughout the entire room all day, sometimes over a week (depending upon his persistence level). It’s like watching some kid from the projects, dropped off in Greenwich, Connecticut, who’s going door-to-door trying to sell wrapping paper and greeting cards. Just get the fuck off my lawn before I let the dog out. Eventually Jack has no choice but to give up.
One of my favorite Jack stories was when I caught him interviewing some random chick he recently met in one of the back offices. I remember walking down the hall after the morning meeting on my way back from the coffee machine and there was Jack sitting across from a very attractive but out-of-place looking woman in one of our vacant conference rooms. Nothing about that meeting looked on the up and up. The first red flag was Jack being in the same room with a woman and the second was his business card in front of her on the table. Not one person in that firm would allow jack to order breakfast, let-alone interview somebody.
I returned to my desk but kept a watchful eye on the corner hall and waited. Ten minutes had passed and Jack had returned to the desk, Where was the girl I thought? Then I realized he must have guided her down the back way in order to avoid anybody seeing her. I jumped out of my seat and hustled to the elevator and boom there she was just setting foot into the open elevator door. Naturally I jumped in behind her. Wow. In Jack’s defense this chick was built like a cartoon character and smelled fantastic. “Good morning.”, I said with a smile. “Good morning”, she replied in soft voice. I looked her in the eyes and said, “Hi I’m Dopey – So how do you think it went?” “I’m Tina – I think Mr Dorkstein really likes me but he’s trying to convince the rest of the partners to give me a chance.” The elevator doors opened on the ground floor and I invited the young lady to come sit and talk with me on the bench in the lobby.
The first thing I explained was that Jack was nothing more than low man on the totem pole, a complete zero and a loser who was clearly misleading her for all the wrong reasons. She took the news much better than I thought and claimed that, “she wasn’t surprised.”. Turns out Tina was a sales person from Banana Republic who Jack slipped a business card and a some empty promises after she helped him pick out a shirt. Who still shops at Banana Republic?
I took out my cell and made a quick call to the boss (a good personal friend of mine) and explained to him the entire situation. We decided that since she was here, we might as well give her a fair interview and torture Jack at the same time. Tina and I headed back into the elevator and up to the trading room floor. I made sure to walk directly through the middle of the trading desk and directly passed Jack’s line-of sight. I watched him peripherally as he squirmed in his seat staring awkwardly at the floor not knowing what to do or say. It’s always entertaining to watch a good looking hen get dragged through the rooster house, but this was more fun than usual. Everybody wanted to know who she was, what she was doing there and why I was bringing her over to the boss… There were even a few what I refer to as ‘Wall Street Cat Calls’. Since this is “high finance” we can’t be too obvious and make regular cat calls, whistle or offer the occasional visiting young ladies candy – that would be poor form… However, there are a few guys in every trading room who will watch, wait and and the first sign of what might be a possible interview, will blurt out, “Hired!”… “She’s hired!” and then duck back behind their screens.
The market hadn’t even opened yet and everybody was on the phone talking to each other on the inside… all traders standing full attention with their chests puffed out trying to look busy… well almost everybody… everybody except for douche bag Jack. He was an absolute mess – it was fantastic. The boss brought Tina into his office, spent ten minutes with her and then sent me in to talk to her some more before escorting her out. Naturally when it was time to leave we walked right by bright red Jacks desk with neither Tina or myself even acknowledging his presence. After two more “Hired”‘s I sent her on her way and wished her luck.
Unfortunately Tina never got hired or was ever seen again. The boss and I agreed that the torture of Jack waiting to be reprimanded would be far worse than calling him out on being a dirtbag loser…. so for rest of the day (and following weeks) Jack avoided the boss (and me like the plague. Although in the spirit of the game, every once in a while the boss would call Jack over allowing him to think the worst. “Hey Jack do you have second I want to ask you something?” … The when Jack would come over with his his tail between his legs, the boss would just ask him something benign like, “What’s XYZ done year to date?”
It’s been over two years since ‘the interview’, but Jack till continues to be a complete dildo every day. The reason I brought Jack up today is that I’m being told by people who still work with him that management is actually starting to buy into his line bullshit, giving him all kinds of kudos and increasing his responsibilities in the trading room. Guys, is this business really that fucked up? How does this happen? How is that people as irritating, kiss-ass people like Jack not only exceed but move into management roles?
Is is Friday yet?
Dopey
