I’ve been trading on Wall Street for 20 years now and a lot has changed over the years… but here’s a few tips for all you young, hipster, attention whore, facebook, twittering, designer jean wearing, metrosexual, newbie traders out there:
- Dude… Don’t Bro me … you only get one chance at making a good first impression and dude you just blew it …calling your new account Bro when you’ve never even fucking met him is a sure sign that you’re a douche bag.
- Ace… I have enough friends… I don’t give shit about the whore your banging, your crazy weekend in the Hamptons or your tranny lover… So don’t ask me how my weekend was and don’t ask me how my wife and kids are doing… You don’t give a flying fuck about mine and I certainly don’t give a shit about yours. I don’t care if your kid is sick or that you’re going through a tough stretch at home. Remember you fucking ass viking, I didn’t ask… so don’t start talking unless I actually seem interested (which I’m not). “How’s everything at home ?”… “How’s your family?”… Oh, that’s real original… Shithead.
- Pal… There is a God and he invented IM… if I’m interested in your riveting market call or value added trading idea .. I’ll respond .. chances are I’ve already heard it from 5 other sources .. and the next time your market call is right will be the first.
- Shooter… Let me guess…. you have this great new algo .. or your going to a great execution only shop … get the fuck out.
- Chief… If I have a moment of weakness and actually agree to meet your sorry ass .. don’t bring your dipshit salesman or ass kissing boss along without telling me ahead of time… and no I don’t want you to pick up lunch for the desk.
- Guy… If I happen to give an order in fractions .. and you don’t understand … well .. we’re done – you’ve told me all I need to know.
In closing … I’m an in touch, below the bid, VWAP, percent of the volume buyer of decent size … treat me subject and if you’re a seller – remember my PM is off the desk… and don’t worry you’re cleaning me up.
So… assclown…. Let’s keep it old school … just give me a top tier allocation, get the concert tix (better be good seats, and I’m sitting with a friend who is taking your place), book the Pebble and Vegas trip, order the `97 Brunello with dinner, bring along some Peruvian flake, make sure the Limo isn’t late … and don’t give me this bullshit about the “new” way of doing things on Wall Street … I didn’t vote for Obama. Remember you’re in the service business … there’s a reason you’re not an analyst or pm .. so just shut the fuck up, get your gold card out, meet me at Scores and we’ll get along just fine.
-Buyside Guy
