When you take a look around weaselly Wall Street it’s not surprising to see just how much verbal foreplay takes place before the actual shafting takes place. No, I am not talking about the partner nailing his secretary in his office, or the 8 love triangles that exist on every trading desk in America. I can only imagine what goes on in the far east. I’m talking about the times you sit in an office and you realize the employee you hired 6 months ago for crazy money against your boss wishes is about to resign, and your sphincter tenses up cause your about to get screwed. This anal twitching usually starts to occur before the actual deed, it is set off by some key words, or actions which have a pavlovian effect on you because of their ramifications which you have experienced over the years. Like dropping the soap in a prison shower with horny Mike Tyson standing next to you. Here are a few of my favorite warnings signs that you need to purchase some KY.
1) The phrase ” I have to do what’s best for my family”- The translation is “I know I made a commitment to you, but now I must screw you over for more money” Any time you hear these words in a business discussion you are about to get railed. This is the white collar version of ” I got mouths to feed.” It was Latrell Spreewell telling the Timberwolves that he couldn’t feed his family on the 14.6 million they were paying him. Every time I hear these words now I feel like someone is using a feather on my backside and getting ready to open a pack of batteries. Worst part is I don’t have a wife and kids, so I cant even use it to screw someone else.
2) “You Have Nothing to worry about” Translation- You have everything to worry about. No one says this unless there is a big problem and things are going wrong. Start looking for a job. Immediately
3)”Its out of my hands” – Translation is “I have two choices, I can either protect you and possible hurt my own career or I can let you drown and save myself”. This means that the person sat down and weighed the pros and cons and you lose. I’m not going to bat for you and your on your own here buddy.
4) “Did you process those T&E’s” – Translation- I am about to quit and I want my money before I walk out.
5) ” Your tied up in legal” Translation- I know I told you that I would open the account and trade with you, but I’m not. This is usually accompanied by “maybe if we click on a natural”. Your never going to get paid by this guy so you should throw in the towel and focus your attention on another account.
6) ” Whatever you need” – Translation – “I am more desperate than you” Anyone who is willing to give you whatever you want these days is in worse shape than you. Its like the sales people who need the 20k draw a month in writing even though they say they are going to do 200k a month. These should send off massive signals on your radar. This relationship is not going to end well and your going to be looking for another job very soon.
7) “He is a friend of the family” Translation- I barely know the guy. Not only isn’t this person tight with the guy, but there is a very good chance they don’t know each other. Notice again the word “family” is involved. Half the time I look on Bloomberg and the guy doesn’t even work at the fund the sales person is saying. This is sometimes followed by ” I talked to him this weekend”. That means you somehow have the phone number and sent the buy side guy a text that went unanswered. “oh yeah I was out with him last week”, which means that you were by chance in the same bar as the buysider who was out with people he actually gives business to.
8) “Taking away your Bloomberg”- This means you are one step from being out the door. This will be blamed on cost cutting, but its a sure sign they have given up on you. You are not worth the 20k a year we pay for the application and we are sorry you work here. This will be the first of a series of tweaks which are designed to get you to quit. Next they will mess with your draw, change your seat, tell you to limit expenses, finally take away your accounts.
9) “Would you mind splitting that account”. Translation- we have hired another sales person we like better than you. You arent splitting shit. They are taking the account away from you, step by step. The new guy was told “Whatever you need” see above. He needs your account and he was told ” You have nothing to worry about” in reguards to the account conflict. Do whats best for your family and leave.
10)Last but not least “This isnt personal and you know we are friends” This means that the rape has just taken place in case you didnt feel it. Of course its personal. The powers that be have just banged the snot out of you and your laying in the fetal position crying. You will never talk to these people again, and they are hoping you dont press charges or bad mouth them to the street.
-Six Gun
