To some people, comfort is sliding into a warm spot under the covers. To Special Operations Officers, it’s parachuting 500 feet into the frigid ocean or scurrying through some dense jungle on your belly in order to assassinate an up and coming third world leader. Clearly that job’s not for everyone. Only the most physically fit, strategically thinking and highly trained soldiers can survive in this elite community. These guys are bad ass.
They’re trained to do the kind of shit you and I only read about. They literally jump out of airplanes in the middle of the night and kill people. You ever wonder what these guys do in the real world after they get done serving their country? Policemen? Body guards? UFC fighters? The last thing you would expect one of these warriors to do is sit on the trading desk of some benign hedge fund and torture brokers all day, but guess what?? I found one.
This guy is a pain in my ass. He likes to ask me five million questions and give nothing in return. He’s creepy. He whispers into the phone. Why does he whisper? Who is he hiding from? Has Charlie tapped into our phone line? He always starts the same way, “Do me a favor.. don’t tell anyone I’m asking, but it looks like you’ve been active in XYZ “… Bro- get over yourself. Nobody really cares that you’re checking me. We both no you’re not that smart (so you’re not directional) and you’re definitely not that big because you’ve never bought or sold more than 100k shares of anything (or gotten laid) in your life. However, I still respond with the text book sales trader response, “I know I was involved earlier, let me see what we’re doing now. You wanna hold on a second?”… This where he typically injects a moment of awkward silence (since he can’t hook me up to a polygraph machine, I think he’s trying to analize my respiration and breathing rhythms to see if he can detect whether I’m hiding something or not). Freak. Secret mission man doesn’t like to hold… “Call me back <click>” Like he’s got that much going on and can’t wait 30 seconds. What’s he doing? Trying to diffuse the bomb stuck that’s up his all too important ass? Fine, I’ll play your little game.
Why is that no matter what time of day a client checks you, you’ve either just finished, are down to an odd lot or everybody who was involved (including the trader) just stares into fucking outer-space while you try to get answers. Suddenly in room where two seconds ago, people were doing nothing but making paper airplanes and and reading DopeyCowboy, everyone has a phone pressed to one ear, a finger in the other, looks at you like your speaking fucking Swahili and turns their back to you when you try to get their attention? What the fuck.
So I finally get the full picture. We’ve crossed about 350k in lots between 3 players and there’s more to be done on both sides. Perfect. Just what you want to hear. So now I call Special Agent Dipshit. The phone only rings once (more like a half of ring) and he shoots my an IM. [ON ONE. WHAT’S UP?] So hang up the phone and shake my head. What a dick. Wow you have caller ID, you’re just so cool and on top of your game. I respond with [I crossed 350k, I have a good call either way]. Time to open up right? Nope. Here’s what I get [INTERESTING. I’LL BE BACK]. Dude give me a fucking break. I do have other accounts to cover you know. What are you doing? Checking for trip wires?
An hour goes by and we continue to trade stock amongst our competent clients. Is that wrong or should I have asked the other clients (who actually have a fucking clue) to just sit and wait while General Irksome plans his next anal invasion? Anyway… Guess who’s ringing. “It looks like you guys have traded more stock. Why wouldn’t you give me call?” You… you are good! Wow, how did you find out? Did your dogs pick up my scent by the stream? Where the stones still warm from the camp fire I lit last night? Or was it all the stock I’m advertising, the fifty IOI’s I sent out or the IM’s I’ve been sending you? What do you want to do you fucking jerk? If it’s just a recognisance mission that’s fine, just tell me. If you want to do something then let’s fucking do it already.
Am I missing something? I thought we were buying and selling stocks. Is there something more going on here? If I make a bad call, is there even a small chance that if I call the wrong guy, I could set off a chain reaction triggering the release of the names and locations of all offshore government informants? I need to know what I’m missing and what’s at risk. This is too much pressure.
-Dopey
