Investment Bankers: While I do appreciate the fact that you always pick up the tab, how your privates smell like baby powder and your hair is always perfectly coiffed… we do need to talk about your “performance” in the bedroom. Now, I know excellence is something you strive for, so this should not fall on deaf ears. But, this isn’t an S.A.T. pal. I don’t care how quickly (or accurately) you get it done. How about some feeling? What is feeling you ask? That’s the strange pinch inside your stomach when something happens that you like or dislike. Let me put it in your terms… remember back in college when your buddy on the lacrosse team was just down right better than you and then got into Wharton when you didn’t..? That’s feeling. The tried and true sexual seduction “formula” you have been using since 10th grade isn’t working on me. Unlike a mathematical equation… I cannot be figured out in the same way every time. Deal with it and try something different.
Brokers: Let’s face it, you are good looking and everyone likes you (at least that’s what you think). And for all intents and purposes you aren’t completely off base. But, sometimes, I just don’t have the energy to tell you how great you are. And well, you aren’t that great. While I do enjoy the 2 hours you spend going down on me, it’s not worth the hour I have to spend afterwards stroking your ego and telling you how great it was. Deep down I think you are just a sweet guy who likes to look at himself in the mirror and make people like you. I’m not impressed that you ate 20 saltines in 2 minutes or that you can lift an 80lb weight with one hand. So, how about asking me what I actually want in bed versus what you think I want? I don’t want you to “last” for 2 hours (you being the only one blown away by your own stamina) only to be left unsatisfied, wide awake as you doze off and drool on my breasts like an infant. Let’s try and keep the focus on me and let your ego jerk off alone.
Sales Traders: I must say that I have a weakness for guys who dip in public. Something about that monkey face, your mouth full of that black turd looking mulch. It makes me hot. No, in all seriousness I will say there is a certain bad boy mystique about you guys and you do have promise. However, let’s get a few things straight. Just because you are used to being entertained at Penthouse Club 4 days a week doesn’t mean I find you ANYWHERE near as exciting as those chicks pretend to (they actually view you as ATM machines and more than likely have butch lesbian lovers waiting for them at home). I am not in your bedroom to entertain you. And you know what? I have no interest in using those sex toys you brought out (especially on our first hook up)… I don’t even know you. Just because it’s “never been used” and still “in the box” does NOT make it okay. Dude, I believe you, I don’t want to give it the “smell test,” I’m just not interested. This isn’t a bachelor party. If I wanted to fuck a clown and do acrobatics I’d join the circus.
-Chlamydia Jane
