One of the many things that fascinate my feeble little mind is bathroom etiquette on Wall Street (or lack of). One of the great lessons that the men in my family taught me growing up was the proper way to conduct myself in a men’s room. Its seems this lesson was never handed down to many of my male colleagues. Keep in mind, I’m not talking about the Wall Street guidelines that insure business confidentiality. Everybody knows not to discuss positions, special situations or use a clients name when your not on the trading desk… I’m talking about common sense issues like not dropping your pants down to your ankles with your hands on your hips while your taking whiz next to a visiting (and nervous) client. Here are a few rules all of us men should adhere too and that seem mostly forgotten by the people I work with or have worked with. Somebody’s got to educate you people.
The Three Urinal Rule: If your men’s room only has 3 urinals, there are a few basic rules to follow. One if all the urinals are empty it is imperative that you use one of the outside stations. When I go hit the head and see someone pissing in the middle urinal I immediately become agitated and suspicious. I mean isn’t this guy invited someone to pull out his hog right next to him. Why? If he simply was one over I could comfortable relieve myself with a protective buffer in between. If you see someone in a middle urinal your best bet is to hit the stall, leaving the door open to show that you only have to piss but know what this fish is up too.
Blinder Rule: It amazes me how often this rule is broken. If your stuck using a urinal next to someone everyone should know that the appropriate male response is to look straight ahead while flushing yourself of undesired liquid. I mean we learn this at 8 right? Well why do people on the street constantly decide to talk to you while making eye contact. No one needs this. If you really need to have a conversation, which is amazing in itself, talk to me while looking straight ahead. There is nothing worse than have your penis exposed and there is a dude staring right at you.
The Three Stall Rule: See the urinal rule above
Courtesy Flushing: Courtesy flushing should not only be used to kill potential harmful smells, but it should also be used as a sound buffer. If you need to paint ball the toilet and know its going to sounds like a mini A bomb when released, hit the flusher. Now I know there are a ton of older people that work in the industry, and the fact that they still can release their bowels is a huge accomplishment for them. This sometimes makes them emote a variety of noises. Grunts, strains, whimpering, laughter, and crying are all possible. No one needs to hear these noises, this is a perfect time to courtesy flush so we all don’t have to revel in your exaltation.
Newspapers: If your a reader bring your own material, discretely. I got a ton of complaints from women on the desk that she see a guy roll up a newspaper or mag and proudly carry it to the john. Why don’t you just make a formal announcement over the hoot that your about to take a shit. At least leave the newspaper in the stall for the next guy. There are a ton of people who carry it back like the heisman trophy and display on their desk. No one needs to walk up to your desk, see a head line and pick up that thing.
Newspapers 2: If you find a newspaper or mag in the stall it sometimes grabs your attention. We are all tempted by this. Please use proper technique. Perfect the foot the page turn. Your feet are protected for a reason, under any circumstance do not use your hands. People are getting laid off and making less money. It might make them happy to leave a little surprise for you.
Communication: Even though there is a wall separating you, stall conversation should also be kept to a minimum. After a few nights out of drinking and god knows what else, dropping a deuce is more like work than pleasure. When in there hoping for the best, the last thing you need a chatty chap next to you. If someone starts blabbing, courtesy flush him in mid sentence, its the only weapon you have and maybe he gets the hint. Also keep all foot tapping to a minimum, this is code in some village bathrooms for and invite to join you. No one needs that. Check out the movie the basketball diaries if you need more of an explanation.
Clogging the Bastard up: It happens to all of us now and then. Don’t be a hero, get the hell out of there. You don’t have the tools to deal with this and there is someone on the payroll who has to. One more flush to see if goes down might cause a flood, then you have a panic situation on your hands. get out while the getting is good.
Home Bodies; This is a new craze which pisses me off. These people that bring umbrellas, food, drinks books, pads, briefcases and god knows what else to arena. t hey usually stash this crap on the sink. This is not your home bro, this is a emergency rest stop. Its for getting in and getting out. Don’t block the playing field, or pay the price.
The Little Urinal: Don’t try and use this thing. If your over 5’3 this thing is not meant for you. your going to splash urine all over the place and possible spray on the dude next you. Wake up your not a midget, no-one needs to see you try target practice on a series of little holes that are 4 feet away. Grow up, your a big boy now.
-Six Gun
