I was taking a walk on the beach of LBI this past weekend after a grueling 6 hour drive through mind boggling traffic , at one point in the trip I had considered putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger, so mind blowing would probably better describe it. Traffic is hell. Traffic with a 6 year old in the back seat is hell with Satan’s pitchfork in your ass. All I could think about while on that little walk was the 6 hour drive back home.
The stress building within me wasn’t alleviated when my friend’s twatzone wife passively aggressively began making comments such as, “well it’s about time you came down here to visit us” or “ is this the first time you have even seen the baby?!!!!!!! Ummmm, excuse me? What was that ? I wonder if this asshole ever puts herself in other’s less fortunate shoes. Doesn’t she realize that I have a job, relatives I rarely see, family of my own etc…. Then I sink into a hole of depression as I ponder about our plans for the next 4 weekends. I can no longer hear her snippy commentary. I gaze into the 3 carat diamond ring choking her little fat sausage finger and all I hear is what Charlie Brown’s mom or teacher might say had I been brought to life by the pen of Charles M Schultz. I wish I had, after all my life is a joke. It’s just not a cute and funny animated one.
I bet Schroeder won’t be scrambling for a babysitter to attend his friends 36th NYC brunch party in the middle of the freaking summer. No way Peppermint Patty is attending a dual gender baby shower and lord knows Snoopy, the Red Barron, isn’t landing his prop driven aircraft in the parking lot of St Agnes in Leonardo NJ to attend his college roommates 4th borns christening. I am not a living breathing Charlie Brown. Why must I constantly fall prey to all these stupid invitations. I always pondered as a child why Charlie Brown would constantly let Lucy trick him into trying to kick that dumb football. Well, it’s the same thing. These stupid fucking parties, christenings, 1 year old extravagant birthdays. Why say yes to any of them ever again. I would love to see Charlie Brown make one last attempt at kicking that stupid ball. Only, right before he gets there and Lucy pulls the pigskin from the ground, he cocks back his leg and kicks her right in the face.
Oh, I’m sorry, yes this is the first time I have seen the baby. I could give a rats ass about seeing the baby. It’s a BABY. Who fucking cares. It shits and cries and sleeps and shits. Congratulations, your son turned 1. Whooped dee fucking doo ! Do I need to travel to Darien Ct to witness his tantrum when it’s not his turn on the pony ride? Do I need to make small talk while your wife wastes 10 grand on a party that future spoiled brat will have zero recollection of anyhow ? It was at this moment that something occurred to me that unfortunately Mr. Shultz never allowed happen to that animated loser in the yellow shirt. I can say NO ! Why hadn’t I come to this conclusion earlier?
Perhaps I was a kind and thoughtful person at some point in my existence but 40 years dealing with humanity has changed all that. I feel so liberated and empowered. Would I like to come to your son’s kindergarten graduation? – NO ! Look honey, another destination wedding invite – No ! My third cousin’s son just took a shit and they want everyone to come take a look- Uh, how bout – NO ! Life my friends is not meant to be spent trying to kick that football in Lucy’s selfish little fingers. It’s meant to be spent saying NO to her dumb ass. Let her dirty her knees as you swallow your own Peanuts.
– Gambler
