As far as I’m concerned there are two things you do in the bathroom and two things you don’t. I’ll leave it to you to figure out the things you do. Now the two things you should never do in there are eat or talk. And don’t attempt to shake my hand or knuckle me on the way out – just leave.
Don’t walk in here and set your coffee on the urinal next to me expecting to discuss last night’s game. This isn’t Murphy’s Sports Bar and that’s not a Bud Light in your hand. Pay attention, watch your stance and don’t let your foot slide into mine. And I don’t want to hear how “cold” the water is or that “this is where all the dicks hang out”… once you’re out of grade school those jokes aren’t funny anymore. Just stare at the wall and don’t talk to me. If you do feel the need to acknowledge my presence, a slight nod of the head or monosyllabic grunt is more than adequate. Anything more than that is creepy. And speaking of creepy – don’t meat gaze.
As for the stall… Consider that my cone of silence and not the perfect time to strike up a conversation. “So, was it a late one last night?“… Are you kidding me? Shut the fuck up. Can’t you see I’m busy? Unless you’ve run out of toilet paper or your bowl full of corn dog chili is about to overflow onto my feet – leave me alone. This isn’t a social network, it’s the crapper.
Dopey
