Labor day weekend has come and gone, department stores have already pulled the sunscreens off the shelves and begun replacing them with Halloween masks and candy corn. It’s time to cover up the Bar-B-Que’s, toss the clubs in the closet, rinse the salt and sand out of your reels and tuck your rods back up into the shed rafters (unless of course you’re getting ready for the fall Striper migration like I am). – Easy boys, I said Striper migration – stripper has two p’s.
I don’t know about you but these pitch black early mornings seem to magnify the sting of that god damn alarm clock. I can barely peel my head off the pillow – never mind slap on a monkey suit and tie that noose around my neck. Is it really necessary to wear a suit in order to collect pennies? Is this job that glamorous? Pennies… Even homeless people get a nickle for the empty beer cans they amass and you won’t see any of them wearing uncomfortable rags tied around their neck.
On a side note, even though I own eight of them myself, I can’t take those Vineyard Vine ties any more. Collar popping pastels and cutesy little fish everywhere you fucking look. I thought they were great when they first came out but that was before every Wall Street asshole and his brother jumped on board. Now my vicious room full of cut-throat traders look like a fucking easter basket. Shep and Ian, you can suck it.
Anyway, something about summer coming to an end creates a false sense of new beginning in our world. It’s the same story after New Years. Everybody’s done with their vacations, no more skeleton crews and it’s time to get back in the game. Khaki pants are once again reserved only for Fridays and suits are back on the trading floor. The only winners here are the dry cleaners. I still don’t understand why the entire street doesn’t go casual and stay casual. Does management even know who we really are or realize what we do for a living?
Brooks Brother suits, Rolex watches and cases of hair gel… Give me a fucking break. Talk about putting lipstick on pigs. You know damn well if we could to show our true colors, we’d be sitting around wearing jean shorts, ripped sweatpants and flip-flops (except for the little pixy to my left – he’d probably opt for pink tights and a sparkly tube top).
I’m not just talking about clothing… the change (as temporary as it may be) is also about work ethic and hustle. It’s like kids on the first day of school trying to impress the new teacher. Over enthusiastic calls made over the same luke warm reiterations. I’d hate to be a buy-sider come January first or after Labor day. Phones ringing off the hook, everyone’s got something to say and all of it’s high priority. It’s not much different then the way day laboring Guatmalans swarm around your car when you roll up to 7-Eleven looking for someone to weed your yard and pick up the dog shit out of the lawn. Here’s a news flash. If you sucked at your job before the summer, chances are you still suck… even with a tan and a suit that’s been in the closet for two months. Stop pretending. You customers know who you really are. Luckily for you clients and thanks to ADD, this post-summer Johnny go-getter attitude only lasts a few weeks anyway. Then it’s back to watching Youtube, thinking about what’s for lunch and wondering why you don’t do more business.
Oh wait!… I almost forgot… Our good friend and supervisor want-a-be, the teacher, must have gotten an extra burst of post-labor day stamina because he also received a set of imaginary manager muscles. The other day, before the open, one of the real managers was making his way to a conference room for a meeting, when he noticed the teacher in an empty office with a woman whom he has never seen. Apparently this jack-off had invited a woman he met in a bar the night before in for an interview. This tool doesn’t have the authority to refill the tape dispenser or butter and English Muffin never mind bring somebody in for an interview. He claims it was just a “courtesy interview” and that he was just offering the young lady some guidance. What a dick. Good for him. I’m not sure what’s been said to him in the three meetings he’s had with management since then but I do know the interview process isn’t something taken lightly here, impersonating a manager can’t be good for your career and this dipshit has been quiet as douche bag church mouse for days now.
You can’t make this stuff up,
-Dopey
