I spent a little over a year in a serious relationship. Naturally, like most men, when my sentence ended I was hell bent to get back in the field and sleep with any woman willing to sit still long enough. This, of course, required a good deal of dating. So I played along with the social custom. In my painful quest I repeatedly encountered one consistent (and horrible) situation, women’s love of talking about their parents.
Usually date conversations follow a fixed pattern- name, rank, file, occupation, hopes/dreams, time of servitude in NYC, etc. But then about midway through the main course the topic of a girl’s family comes up. A show of hands how many guys have been through this ringer experience? Exactly, we all know we hate in-laws as it is just a universal truth. To the three guys out there thinking, “no I like my wife/girlfriend’s mother” we aren’t buying that shit you are just too whipped to think for yourself anymore. If you disagree ask yourself if you know the type of wood you and your wife picked “together” for your bedroom set or when was the last time you picked a restaurant or how many of “your” friends are really your friends and not hers?! Any man worth his salt knows a woman with strong family ties translates to Sundays spent in misery with in-laws trying to appease your girlfriend or wife to get laid once per annum.
When dating, the worst is hearing a girl drone on about her father or mother’s greatness. This inevitably leads to one of two conclusions: 1. you are stupid enough to think your family is beyond reproach or 2. you are one of the girls we have to listen to compare us to daddy for years or listen to endless conversations about your mother. We all have facebook, we have seen the pictures, your father is a slob and your mother might be single handedly driving BKC’s comps. A better plan of action would be to claim your parents had died in a plane crash or a vicious hyena attack only duping us down the road. Spending time listening to you ladies talking about what a teflon man daddy is or how much you love your mother, when we will undoubtedly be picking up the check, is just plain unfair. How interested would you be if you went to lunch or dinner with your friends and they gave you a 15 minute diatribe about how great their parents were? Exactly, you would zone out and want to get an explosive case of IBS to escape just like us.
I was on a date recently and the woman was so adamant about what a great man her father was that I went as far to suggest I call to introduce myself as her description certainly warranted an introduction. This would be like passing up a chance at a personal interview of Jesus. She, of course, caught on to my little criticism and dropped the topic. Anyway the major point to establish here is DO NOT discuss your parents on a date. Just because you think daddy hung the moon or mommy is your perfect little shopping mate doesn’t mean we care and more importantly your untarnished view doesn’t make it true. In all likelihood daddy had a few one night stands, hooker laden coke binges, and unwanted attacks of rabid VD on his way to achieving Dali Lama status. He might have even thrown up in an umbrella or two. And let’s not even discuss mothers. Ask yourself this question, would you prefer to trade in your mother for someone else’s? Probably not so logically you should infer your mother ain’t perfect either (even though she brainwashed you into thinking she was through years of forced obedience). Point made. In dating ladies, don’t introduce the parents until you have your hooks firmly planted in the man (i.e. you have slept with him and can use sex as a weapon).
-Town Drunk
