Like most family’s with small children, we have a go to babysitter. Well… at least we did until my wife fired my little friend. It’s a damn shame and the end of the perfect “arrangement”. Noooooo… it’s not what you’re thinking.
Have you ever come up with an idea so brilliant that you can’t even believe it was you that came up with it? Well I did – And I’m about to share it with you. What I am about to tell you could revolutionize the working dynamics between Wall Street Traders and the babysitting community forever.
My wife was nearing the end of a six-year quest for the perfect babysitter when a friend of a friend recommended a local high school student named Tina. I don’t know why it took 6 years to find a sitter, but then again I don’t understand much when it comes to women. In my mind as long as the girl doesn’t burn down the house, touch any of my shit and gets the kids in bed by a decent hour then she works for me. Anyway, as it turns out, Tina was a complete success. My wife was comfortable and my kids loved her.
Tina was 17 years old and since she didn’t own a car, my wife usually picked her up and brought her home when the night was over. After about three months in, while we were in the movie theater, we received a distress call from Tina. My little guy (whom we intentionally forget to mention was under-the-weather) was in the process of throwing up twice his body weight… and since my opinion doesn’t mean shit, we ended up leaving right then in the middle of the movie.
Tina already had her jacket on when we walked through the door. She wanted out and I can’t say I blame her. However, since thankfully sick kids always want their mommy rubbing their little heads when there puking, It was my job to get Tina home.
Here’s where things got interesting. As we pulled out of the driveway, Tina began to speak. “Do you think you would you be able to drop me off at my friend’s house? She’s throwing a party and my dad thinks I’m babysitting till midnight anyway…?”
Hmmm…. What to do? What to do? Since making good decisions really isn’t my forte, I dropped her off at the party. I figured, if I can trust her with my kids – then I guess I can trust her at some house party. Fuck it. However, I did make it clear that if anyone were to ask me where she was that I dropped her off in her own driveway and watched her go up to the front door before driving away. This turned out to be one the smartest dumb things I’d ever done.
A week or two later my wife made Friday dinner plans with two of the most boring people on the planet. It was her girlfriend from college and her tool insurance salesman husband. The other problem was that I had an out-of-town client in the Thursday before and this guy liked to get after it. To my credit, I did make it home Thursday night (around 2 am). I must have been over-served by the bartender because even after a solid, head spinning 2 hour nights sleep – I was still drunk and felt like shit. Anyway, off to work I went.
The bacon, egg and cheese, the Gatorade, and four cups of coffee only went so far… and by 1pm I hit the wall – hard. Patrone and Redbull is too much for any man to handle. I decided to take a chance on humanity and gave the wife a call in hopes of rescheduling. No chance – shocker. Time for plan B.
With nowhere else to turn, I called Tina. I asked what time she was coming and how much my wife was paying her. She responded, ” 7 o’clock and $10 an hour… probably $50″. I reminder her of the favor I did for her and told her it was time to repay the debt. I told her that I would pay her $100 bucks not to come. All she had to do was call at 7:15, play sick and apologize for the short notice. It was a win win. I didn’t have to go to dinner and she got paid 2x what she was going to make in the first place for doing absolutely nothing.
Like an eager little beaver I got home that night, jumped in the shower, put on my can’t wait to go to to dinner game face and waited for the babysitter. 7:00…. Staring out the window… 7:10…. “Where is she?”…. 7:15… The phone rang. Oh no! What a bummer. Tina contracted a highly contagious stomach virus and wasn’t going to make it. I was so proud of myself. 10 minutes later, I , the winner, was passed out on the couch drooling on myself.
From that day on it was they babysitter and I against her. It was to the point where every time my wife called to book her, Tina was calling me on the other line see if she was really coming or not. This went on for close to two years and the no-shows averaged half the time . Naturally, towards the end my wife was really getting annoyed and wanted to find a new sitter. That’s when I would step in, “so she’s a liiiittle unreliable… the kids love her… she knows how to handle the dog… and you’re comfortable with her.” But before long, like all good things do, it came to an end. The last straw was after my wife was forced to attend her high school reunion by herself. Talk about good to the last drop.
There’s always a way,
Dopey
