Here is a collection of the lamest, most uncreative, non-original, ill-thought out and over used ways sales trader’s use every day to “stay in touch” and get in front of clients. I tried to limit the list to twenty-five but it was impossible.
Fat Finger – They oldest trick in the book. “You ringing?” Immediately followed by “Hey while I have you…”
Let Me At Him – This obnoxious prick just calls randomly without warning and starts complaining, whining and begging. Dude be cool. Always give a little heads up first – try lobbing in an IM that says, “Can I call?”, “Do you have a minute?” or “When you have a second…” This doesn’t stop the client’s eyes from rolling back in their head but at least you’re doing the right thing.
Tommy the Turtle – This guy prefers to deliver his message between 9:27 and 9:35 am or at 3:55 and is usually a really nice guy but talks so fucking slow that even Mother Theresa would hang up on him.
Collections Agent– Our conference was a huge hit and your guy really liked his four one-on-ones.
Time Warp – This guy is so desperate to make small talk he doesn’t pay attention to relative things (such as the calendar). He’s the guy who will ask how your weekend was on a Thursday and how your vacation was (a month ago).
Passing Through – “I know when we spoke last week you told me not to make any special trips just to see you but I happen to be coming to Appleton, Wisconsin for a pie eating contest next week and thought I would stop by. How’s dinner on Wednesday?”
The 4 Year Old – “Did you call? I got a message that Michael called and you’re the only Michael I know.”
Own Worst Enemy – This guy spews out things like, “So that baby of yours must be getting up there – how old is she now?” Eight… and she is a he. Thanks for pretending to give a shit.
Paul Revere – It’s got nothing to do with the Red Coats but this tool needs to get his message out there. This guy’s extra sensory perception can pinpoint your busiest moment and will ring your phone 5 million times if he has to, until you pick up. And then it’s usually some untimely benign message like, “Hey just so you know, so-and-so at your firm asked my sales guy for our model on a stock you could care less about.”
Jerry Seinfeld – “Hey I got a funny story. You’re not going to believe this… I saw one of your PMs last night get on a train going in the opposite direction mine was… he was talking to some girl who’s sister is a roommate of this guy I went to school with…. Small world – crazy right?”
Food Stamp – “We need to get out to dinner”
Norm – “You feel like grabbing a beer?”
Gus Johnson – “You see that game last night?”
The Stretch – “You cared in this name a while back…” (2007… maybe)
Helpful Harry – “If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”
Helpful Harry w/Capital – “It’s pretty quite over here. Anything I can get in trouble with?”
Dreamer – These are lines used by the most uncreative of the bunch and say things like “I had a dream about you last night” or “OMG! You have a twin. I saw somebody this morning who looks just like you.” Apparently people really do this.
John Blutarsky – “I was just thinking about the wildebeest we heard you mauling on the bathroom floor of that hamptons sharehouse that summer… too funny bro”
The Double-Bro – This is probably the single most annoying way to begin a call or an IM. If you’re an avid read of Dopey Cowboy then you know that one of biggest reoccurring themes that really brings out the hate in clients is the BRO, PAL, DUDE, CHIEF and KIDDO from brokertards who barely know you. To a customer it’s nails on a chalkboard. The double bro is nothing more than this guy when he’s excited (usually about nothing)… almost like a little kid jumping up and down trying to get mommy’s attention because he has to go pee pee. “Bro Bro”… You sound like an idiot – stop.
Mayor Elect – “So, How’d we do on that vote?”
Wrong Number – This guy likes to call clients on names he knows damn well they don’t care about, have never owned and never will but insist they were involved a while back just so he can put his foot into the door and unload some bullshit. You’re not fooling anyone dipshit.
Stethoscope – Very insecure and constantly needs to monitor the streets pulse. “You guys busy?” Honestly bro, even if they are – What the fuck do you think they’re going to tell you?
Revenge of the Nerds – These guys pound you all day with technical, support and resistance levels (whether you want them or not).
News Aggregator – Hopefully these professional copy /pasters go out with the next wave of layoffs.
Pumped Up – “Come on Big Boy! I’m all FIRED UP today” … You are kidding me – right?
Nostradamus – “I can feel it. You and I are going to kill it today”
Pressure’s On – “My guy wants to be involved in tech today so I need all your tech orders.” Oh so is that how it works?
Consumer Reports – “I’m taking a poll –where do you think the Dow Jones, price of crude and gold will be 6 an 12 months from now?” Loser.
The Nanny – “Any difficult ones you want me to baby sit while you focus on the big hard orders?”
Blind-sider – He hooks you with you’re soft spot, “So how are the kids doing?” and before you can finish answering the question he’s onto, “How can we do more business?”… You already knew the question was coming but wanted to give the shallow prick the benefit of the doubt.
Who’s the Boss – “It looks like you guys own a ton, any idea why XYZ is getting smoked today?” News flash Gekko – You’re the broker. You’re supposed to be the one with the answers.
Tin Cup – “We had one of our top analyst in the other day to see one of your guys – heard it went really well.”
Behind the Eight Ball – These guys already know you don’t give a crap, but for reasons that can’t be explained, still call and lead with, “I know you don’t care but…” Way to go champ! Way to grab their attention.
Junk Drawer – “I’m here if you need me.”
-Dopey
