If not done properly, ordering breakfast on a trading desk can be complete agony for everyone involved. Since nobody wants to take vague orders that come with delivery stipulations and no commission at 6:30 AM, this daily task often flows downhill to one of the thicker-skinned, well-adjusted, junior traders. If you should become that guy – be sure to take advantage of the perks and jiggle some cash out of the trader’s pockets.
Invariably, the job goes to the happy go-lucky Patriot League football player that graduated in two thousand and under three years ago who wakes up hungrier than everyone else feeling damn lucky to have a job. His ego isn’t an issue yet and doesn’t have a problem putting together the breakfast print, translating it into Chinarican for the guy on the phone, managing the cash, distributing the food and change, and he’s resourceful enough to over-charge his desk mates to cover his own breakfast, lunch, and cab to the office.
If you give them an inch some of these guys will start ordering like Mario Batali at Sunday brunch – so whip them into shape early and stick to the basics: 1) we’re not here to ponder fourth and fifth omelet ingredients – we’re here to make money, 2) They probably don’t have shallots or gruyere cheese – the place is called Happy Deli – order a breakfast sandwich, and 3) No, I’m not asking them if they have Challah French Toast with seasonal berries.
Some traders leave themselves open to more pillaging than the others. Here’s a short list of the the types of orders you want to look out for that typically account for 70-80% of your plunder.
BRAN GUY: This trader orders some combination of healthy cereal/fruit/yogurt on the reg because either it’s his life style or his cardiologist told him it would be a good idea if he wants to see fifty. In any case the order needs to go like this – “Strawberry Dannon/Smart Start/Skim – Please.” If you’re looking for Chobani yogurt or 12 Grain Protein Infused Triathlete Cereal – go to Whole Foods on your own time. You collect $10 from BRAN GUY, that’s a small price for staying regular.
ON A ROLL!: This trader is a piece of cake. He’s not discipline enough to care about the carbs or old enough to worry about the cholesterol – he wants “HAM EGG AND CHEESE ON A ROLL.” It’s delicious, it rolls off the tongue, and the margin for translation discrepancy is miniscule. You don’t need to worry about his drink – he’s got a death grip on his venti mochacchino. Charge that guy $8 for a $4 sandwich every day – as long as the cheese is drippy when it shows and you have pepper packets – he won’t say a word.
GUEST OMELLETE: This isn’t a daily routine guy. This guy jumps in on the breakfast order every so often when he got stuck cleaning out his garage or “had the kids” the night before and he never got a chance to eat dinner. He wants an egg white omelet with spinach, tomato, mushrooms, and swiss. He wants well done hash browns, wheat toast DRY, a Tropicana O.J. and a large water. No problem. We love this guy. That’ll be $20 bux please and don’t expect change – you’re not on my every day run.
LOADED: This is the guy that walks in still LOADED from the night before. He smells like Jim Beam’s boxer shorts and he needs an immediate fix of black coffee, bacon, and hot sauce. First he’ll ask if anyone wants a breakfast pie from Sacco (that’s a pizza with scrambled eggs, bacon, and cheddar cheese on it that cures hangovers on contact) but once he gets shot down by the health sensible majority he’ll go back to his basics: “Ughhhh….Jesus did we get after it last night..lemme get ayuhhhh…did you see Eli last night kid?? That’s a champion…lemme get a bacon burrito breakfast wrap, extra hot sauce, black coffee.” To which you add “and a case of breath mints – GOT IT.” Most of the time this guy will be on the phone with his buddies or clients trying to piece together the night before while he orders. If he EVER hands you his wallet and says “take it outta there” – take at least $100 bux and don’t look back. It’s bonus time.
Don’t feel bad about the pick-pocketing – it’s expected and part of the game. Just don’t ever admit it.
-Hawkeye
