When a client stops in to visit a trading room, it’s always announced. That gives us plenty of time to clean the peanut shells from off the floor and hide the Hooter’s wet-naps. It’s time to bring out the good silverware, pretend we chew with our mouths closed and most importantly – act like we get along. Here’s a more realistic look at some of the dysfunctional players we deal with day in and day out.
Canary – Nobody wants to work in the trenches with somebody who sings like a canary. Life gets complicated sometimes – so when somebodies wife calls and the guy’s not around … the only proper response is, “I’m pretty sure i saw him but I’m not sure where he is.. probably in a meeting.” Then immediately call the dude’s cell phone and inform him of the incident. It’s especially important to follow this procedure when the man in question is taking a vacation day. I mean honestly… if you know the dude is out that day, and his wife calls…. shouldn’t a little fuckin’ bell go off?
Under the Desk Texter – You’re not twelve years old and you couldn’t possibly be up to any good. Put down your cell phone and save the pillow talk for later.
Annoying IM Sound Guy– There’s no doubt these are the same 30-something year old tools that have Lady Gaga set up as their even more annoying ringtones. Just use the <ding> IM alert like everybody else – nobody wants to hear a little bomb going off or the little “choo-choo” train pulling into Loserville station.
Early Bird – The dork that comes in a half hour before everybody else does. It’s a pathetic waste of personal time and you’re making the rest of us look bad. It’s not like you’re getting a head start on the day – you’re logged on to Bank America paying your cable bill.
Look at Me – The market closes at 4 p.m. Get the fuck out of there. 4:30 the latest – and if you’re still there at 5 p.m., you just don’t get it. I mean really, don’t you notice all your little IM buddies logging off at 4:01? That’s cause they get it. Trust me… it doesn’t matter if management sees you sitting there last. This isn’t American Idol and you’re not about to get discovered…. it’s about “production” and not turning the lights off.
Complete Dick Bag – Don’t be like the guy to my left.
Jelly Fish – Every desk has one of these Nervous Nelly’s. Don’t take it personal – customers are just angry by nature, they are conditioned to shoot first and not give a shit later. Stand up for yourself once in while. The more you let them abuse you the worse it’s gonna get. It’s like battered wife syndrome – every now and then you need to spit in their coffee and bounce a frying pan off the wall.
Bruce Jenner – This guy needs to do laps around the desk and share how many miles you ran the night before – nobody gives a shit about you or the marathon you’re running in next weekend.
Gordon Ramsay – This is the guy who comes in the next morning and rambles on incessantly about the positive and negatives of the previous night’s meal. “The steak was OK but I was disappointed by the wine selection”… Oh shut the fuck up. You know damn well if you weren’t paying with your corporate card you’d be dinning at the Chipotle Grill.
The Golf Pro – Spends half the day standing at his desk practicing his golf swing and the entire morning discussing each hole on his overpriced country club where he belongs with the other d-bags of the world. I’d like to jam a 3-wood in his back nine just to shut him up.
Gordon Gecko– This guy’s whole life revolves around work. He is a loser outside the office but somehow managed to get some traction. He has no friends other than the ones that he has made through work. His oldest friend is some other Shallow Hal at Oppenheimer that he met 2 years ago through a client. Try to talk to this guy about anything normal and he is a mute. Mention rising interest rates or a synthetic CDO and he rambles incessantly like a senator on capitol hill at one of those inquests.
Googler – Anytime something remotely humorous on the desk is said, he heads straight for “Google Images” to send an email out with what he thinks is a hysterical interpretation of subject at hand. One out of every two-thousand emails he sends gets maybe a chuckle at best. Way to beat a dead horse and don’t ever go into advertising.
Huck Finn– I don’t care where you were last night, I don’t wash your shit stained boxers and I certainly shouldn’t have to deal with the smell of your uncovered feet. Your not at home and this ain’t your couch – so keep your god damned shoes on.
Tag-a-long – I don’t go out of my way to avoid those little bastards at the train station just so you can hand me a cookie order-form here on the trading desk. Real men don’t sell Girl Scout cookies.
Cousin Eddie – When it comes to weekends and workdays or coworkers and friends – his lines are blurred. Don’t worry about what I’m doing this weekend and no, there’s no way I’m driving all the fucking way to New Jersey for a bar-b-que at your house and waste my Saturday. Go find some people who care about more than backing up your major accounts.
Mike Brady – “My wife made the most amazing meal last night”…. Bro – Shut the fuck up.
Parrot – I can’t. I just can’t. About two times a week this guy comes in with a story…. It could be about the awkward encounter with his ex-wife, his 3 hour delay on the jersey turnpike or maybe it’s about the well deserved rash on his johnson…. It doesn’t matter. Whatever the story is, he tells it over and over and over to anyone who walks by, every client and anybody else that will listen. Sitting next to him is Chinese water torture. Bro – the story wasn’t that good the first 100 times … Shut it.
Possum– This guy pretends to be awake all day. He doesn’t hang from his tail but he just sits there with his eyes glazed over and would stay that way if the rest of the desk didn’t look out for him. “Hey Mike you got one!, mike you see that?”…. But you can bet your ass Mike always manages to hear that bell ring at four o’clock.
David Hasselhoff – This guy is not afraid to come to work drunk and often does. You can tell he’s in his happy place cause he generally shows up 10 – 30 minutes late in yesterday’s wrinkly suit, a Gatorade bottle in hand and mumbles something along the lines of, “gurgle gurgle… I’m gonna need your help today… gurgle gurgle… listen up for me…. “. He’s got real relationships, tons of potential but he’s always thirsty and no stranger to unannounced Fridays off. Ease up on this guy – we’ve all been there.
Eddie Haskell – Knee pads aren’t enough for this sneaky two-faced political weasel. His lips are permanently adhered to boss’s sphincter. Every time you turn around – there he is in the corner office throwing one of his bunk-mates under the bus to better himself. The only thing he hasn’t done yet is baked the boss cupcakes – and I’m sure it won’t be long. The sad truth of the matter is that, in this business, it ‘s probably going to work out for him. Whatever. I prefer sloshing around in the bottom of the barrel anyway – It’s more fun and the downside is limited.
Bid Wanted,
Dopey
